# Episode 55 - The Labor of The Holiday Season

- Podcast: GenX Adulting Podcast
- Published: 2026-01-04T04:00:00.000Z
- Audio: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2398379/episodes/18448502-episode-55-the-labor-of-the-holiday-season.mp3
- Page: https://genxadultingpodcast.com/transcripts/podcasts/genx-adulting-podcast/episodes/episode-55
- Source: https://genxadultingpodcast.com/episodes/genxadultingpodcastepisode55.html
- People: Brian Barker (host), Nicole Barker (host)

## Summary

In Episode 55 of GenX Adulting, the hosts discuss the extensive labor involved in the holiday season, particularly focusing on the roles and expectations placed on women. They explore how the holiday season begins as early as August for many families, leading to a complex interplay of mental, physical, and emotional labor that peaks during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

## Key takeaways

- The holiday season's labor often starts as early as August for many families.
- Women typically bear the majority of the mental and physical load during the holidays.
- The pressure to create holiday magic can lead to stress and resentment if not shared equally.
- Traditions can evolve, and couples should communicate about their holiday roles.
- The expectation for women to manage holiday preparations can lead to feelings of being unappreciated.
- Men can alleviate stress by actively participating in holiday tasks and supporting their partners.
- The holiday season is a marathon of activities that requires planning and cooperation.

## FAQ

### What is the 'mental load' during the holiday season?

The mental load refers to the cognitive effort involved in planning and managing holiday tasks, which often falls disproportionately on women, including shopping, cooking, and organizing events.

### How can couples better share holiday responsibilities?

Couples can improve their holiday experience by discussing and dividing tasks early on, ensuring both partners feel involved and appreciated in the preparations.

### Why do women often feel unappreciated during the holidays?

Women may feel unappreciated because they often handle the majority of holiday planning and execution, yet their efforts may go unnoticed or unacknowledged by their partners.

### When does the holiday season typically begin?

For many families, the holiday season begins as early as August, with preparations for Halloween, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas.

### What role do traditions play in holiday preparations?

Traditions are significant in holiday preparations as they create expectations and memories for families, but they can also add pressure to maintain or enhance these traditions each year.


## Referenced links

- [Watch on YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZCzeAqWYuQ)
- [Listen on Apple Podcasts](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-55-the-labor-of-the-holiday-season/id1764838823?i=1000743661722)
- [Listen on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/6si0KeEYA18GKucIYYA9gp)
- [Listen on Buzzsprout](https://www.buzzsprout.com/2398379/episodes/18448502-episode-55-the-labor-of-the-holiday-season)

## Transcript

[MUSIC]
Welcome to GenX Adulting.
Today we are discussing
the disbursement of labor throughout the holiday season.
We are actually recording this on
the days between Christmas and New Year's,
which to a lot of people are the lost days.
You don't know what day of the week it is,
what date it is, you're not cooking,
you're rarely cleaning,
you're living in pajamas.
Sometimes you change from daytime pajamas to nighttime pajamas.
There's rarely any structure.
I know there are people that still work during this time,
so I'm actually not necessarily talking about you.
A lot of people take these days off.
I know Brian has these days off
and our older two took these days off.
I think that's pretty common.
People that work also experience
the lost days between Christmas and New Year's.
We thought we would do an episode.
We have had a little bit of a break because of the chaos of
Christmas and we thought we would do an episode just
discussing some opinions and thoughts about the holidays,
about the holiday season,
and the disbursement of labor,
and not just talking about Christmas.
In my mind, for me,
the holiday season starts on Halloween.
I know there's a lot of people that as soon as
Christmas and July is over,
they're decorating for fall in August.
I'm not one of those.
I start decorating for fall in September,
but that's still pretty relaxing for me.
I'm lucky enough that my older son is in charge of our storage unit,
and he'll come with me and get the fall bins.
It's pretty relaxing through September.
It's cozy. I enjoy it.
We live in South Florida.
It's still so hot,
but I still try to bring fall in usually towards the end of September even.
We'll get through the first half of September.
But I do know there's people that view the beginning of
their "holiday season" as August.
But for me, where I feel I punch in to
start doing the "work of the holiday season" is Halloween.
I guess mentally, I start preparing for Halloween in August,
because I start to pick up bags of candy.
If I'm at Costco, if I'm at the stores,
I'm grabbing candy and I'm sticking it aside for Halloween.
I am already preparing,
but that's still so low stress.
Halloween comes, we set up a table in front of our entryway.
We used to always carve pumpkins.
We haven't carved pumpkins the last couple of years,
but we used to have that on the docket.
Our kids used to have Halloween parties.
So for people with small children,
they're dealing with buying costumes,
Halloween parties, carving pumpkins,
going to the pumpkin patch, picking out pumpkins, hayrides.
There's a lot of traditions in our society tied around Halloween.
Hot cider, there's Halloween parties sometimes.
So that "holiday season",
that feeling can really start during October and towards the end of October,
because of all the Halloween traditions.
Does that make sense to you so far, what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Right.
I'm curious on the disbursement of labor, but I'm sure we'll get there.
But if you think about that, think of how crazy that is.
August is when you start to get into this.
That's four months ago today type of thing.
That's crazy.
I know. And it's a mental thing, right?
So for those who purchase the candy for Halloween,
and I'm going to speak for myself, for our family, it's me.
And I think for most families, it's the mom.
Because in general,
and especially I'm going to speak for boomer and Gen-X situations,
because I know millennials,
there's a lot of millennial men that will go do the grocery shopping and help.
And I'm not saying there aren't Gen-X men that do that,
or that don't do that, or boomer men.
But I am saying in general, I'm going to speak for Gen-X.
It's typically the women who've gone and done the grocery shopping.
It's just how culturally we were raised, how our childhood went,
the model behavior we had, even those of us raised with a single mom,
obviously she was the one doing the grocery shopping.
So I was raised by a single mom.
And my dad was remarried.
His wife did the traditional domestic stuff.
That was my model behavior.
Your parents, now your dad did leave work early
and get home and start dinner.
You had a little bit of a different situation,
because he would get off at like four and have a decent commute,
but get home in time to start dinner.
But your mom was a stay-at-home mom to you basically what,
mid-junior high, late junior high, something like that?
Yeah, I think like sixth, seventh grade.
So let's say up till then you had that traditional,
your mom was probably the one that going out
and picking up the bags of candy from Acme.
Unless your dad happened to be,
I will say your dad was more domestic than most, I think.
I would say too though, these holidays are crazy today compared to when we grew up.
I kind of remember, I didn't go get candy and stuff, right?
But you're getting candy in August.
If it was me, if I was in charge of it,
I'd probably pick it up on like October 28th,
29th, throughout shopping type of thing.
I have it feels like that was more the protocol back then.
It's out of control now.
Absolutely. So I would say even for those,
the parents who were out getting candy for us,
for our Halloween's, we're doing it in October.
There's no question. Now, maybe they were grabbing it mid-October,
but I don't know if there was the same
concept of people driving and parking in
neighborhoods to trick or treat as there is now.
So speaking of our neighborhood, for example,
people drive from other neighborhoods, park in our neighborhood.
Other towns.
Other towns.
Other counties.
I'm sorry, other towns, other counties.
People drive to our neighborhood,
park on the side streets to trick or treat in our neighborhood.
That is very common in a lot of neighborhoods around where we live.
Now, we have gated communities in our neighborhood.
That's not happening in the gated communities,
but our community is not gated.
We have a very large neighborhood that has that very 1950s hometown vibe.
I think people love our neighborhood.
So people come and park here.
So one of the reasons I start purchasing in August is because I probably hand out
like 700 pieces of candy at least and could be more.
I was going to say at least a thousand.
Probably.
Could be a thousand.
And so I'm a Costco shopper and it's more
economical for me to buy the big bags from Costco
unless I can get a good bogo at Publix,
which is buy one, get one at Publix.
I'm sure wherever some of our listeners live,
they might have deals at their grocery stores.
So those are my filler bags when I'm at Publix and I get a bogo.
That's my filler bag.
That's my backup bag.
My main bags are my Costco bags.
Those are $20 each other.
Of course, they went up.
So the one I normally buy this year went up to 24 or 23.
And then the other one was 22.
But the reason I start in August is so I'm not
taking a $200 candy hit the week of Halloween.
Do you think that, do you recall, is it always been like this?
Because the part you haven't touched on
yet, we can get into it as the retail cycles.
So Costco starts doing Halloween probably after they reset for the 4th of July.
All the Halloween shit starts coming out.
And then before you know it, it's Christmas.
By the time Halloween hits or at Halloween, there's Christmas stuff.
100%.
Hitting the stores.
So then I'm sure there's Valentine's Day crap out now.
I don't know if it's, I don't recall it always being like that, but as the shopper
for the older two, where's this stuff going on in August?
No, it's revved up.
So Costco, I think I'm pretty accurate in this.
They're Halloween.
I see the giant skeleton or the other decor they have in July.
And Christmas starts getting put out.
In the summer, some point.
I want to say by end of August, I see something.
The trees aren't up at Costco, but at other stores, they are.
So the speed at which the retailers put out
the next holiday has revved up significantly
since we were kids.
And I will say since we were raising our children when they were young, mentally,
it's the retailers have us on this FOMO vibe
of, oh, shit, I need to hurry up and get my stuff
for this next one.
You almost have trouble totally relaxing because you're always feeling like,
okay, I need to get the next holiday ready.
I need better buy this or else it's going to be gone.
Well, in the case of Christmas and lights
and outdoor decor and all that other crap,
if you go to Lowe's and Home Depot, they were shut down, basically consolidated all
inventory by December 15th.
Yeah.
At the latest.
Yeah.
I went to get some extra.
I was just perusing and they had shut down.
They had sold through and that's part of the game too, though, right?
All this stuff's coming from China.
You got long shipment times, lead times.
They bring it in.
They also want to get the impulse buy.
So then they'll be first and then they sell through it and tear it down, reset.
By the time Christmas hit, you did not know it
was Christmas at our local Home Depot in Lowe's.
Right.
It was over.
Yeah.
Everything was out months before that.
Absolutely.
And I will say this when we were kids, I remember
Thanksgiving always being like the third Thursday
in November.
I feel like it was always around the third Thursday in November.
And then you would have like a week to 10
days left of November to prepare for Christmas.
If you're one of those people who
decorates after Thanksgiving, I know there's people
that start decorating for Christmas in August.
There's people that start decorating November 1st.
There's some people who never stop.
Right.
But there's a huge amount of people that start decorating November 1st.
That's a big one right after Halloween.
But for those of like traditionally I may
after Thanksgiving, I start decorating Christmas.
Now in recent years, we've started putting
up our tree two weeks before Thanksgiving.
And that's been really nice having the tree up
for Thanksgiving, but decorating after Thanksgiving.
So recently, I feel like in the last five years, I don't know, I could be wrong.
Thanksgiving has been literally, it feels like almost the last day of November.
And you have two to three days left of
Thanksgiving and then bam, you're in December.
So if you are one of those people that doesn't decorate until after Thanksgiving,
you're scrambling just to try to get your
everything decorated so that you feel like
you actually had decor up for Christmas.
It's crazy.
I'll look this up, but I think Thanksgiving is what the third Thursday of November.
No, that's what I'm saying.
Is it used to be like that?
It might still be.
There's been a rotation.
I'm going to look it up.
I'll look it up.
It's not.
It's not.
It's been, I don't know when this happened
because you just said something that I just said.
I said when we were younger, it was
traditionally around the third Thursday of Thanksgiving.
And that felt comfortable to you.
That made sense to you.
In your mind, you're probably like, yeah, it was.
It's not like that anymore.
It's like the fourth Thursday of Thanksgiving.
I mean, fourth Thursday of November.
So you lose, you lose that buffer time to decorate for Christmas.
So that just adds to that revved up feeling of I need to get everything done.
So it's officially.
It's officially by federal law the fourth Thursday in November.
How long has that been since 1941?
Okay, but that's not how it's felt.
Well, when you're a kid, I don't pay attention to this stuff.
It's all about getting off of school and having the Thursday and
probably get that week off, that kind of thing.
But even when we were raising our older two and they were young,
like I felt there was time, there was more time.
I just feel I could be if there's any listeners, please let me know what you think.
Because I always felt when my kids, my older
two were younger and even when our 15 year old
was younger, I would say, too.
I felt like I had like about a week after
Thanksgiving to get my Christmas decor up.
All right. So because because November can have four or five Thursdays,
the date changes yearly, falling between November 22nd and the 28th.
But it's always the fourth one in the month.
Okay, so I feel like in the last five years cycle.
Yeah, in the last five years, it's lean towards the 28th.
Yeah, I know. I think it'll I think it'll flip back.
So that could be it for seven days on a week.
Okay, so right.
Okay, we're going to come out of it.
So I can't wait. Let's put it that way.
Putting up the tree before Thanksgiving, we switched that up two years ago.
I know you weren't a fan of that initially.
I'm not sure how you feel about that now, but I will say for myself,
I have 10 Christmas bins of decor.
And it's a lot. And I also we also host Thanksgiving.
And I do all that.
So for me, having at least the tree done
relieves a significant amount of stress for me,
especially since Thanksgiving's been so late.
It's one less thing I have to rush to do before the beginning of December.
And I do enjoy having the tree to look at on Thanksgiving Day.
It doesn't affect the fall vibe because the rest of our decor is fall.
The rest of the house is fall.
Anyways, I will say the tree doesn't bother me
because we did a few years ago get the artificial
tree. Things awesome. You stack it and it
turn on the lights and it's done in five minutes.
Right.
And then, you know, you guys all do the
ornaments and stuff and I sit and observe and watch.
But so it doesn't doesn't really bother me per se.
And it is nice. It's a nice festive vibe.
That's good. I'm glad that you've.
Yeah. Because up until a few years ago, we
always had a real tree because we started in Oregon.
I grew up in Oregon. You get a real tree in Oregon. Always, always, always, always.
You grew up in Jersey and I think traditionally a
lot of times you guys would actually go cut your
own tree.
I grew up with an artificial tree, but you and I.
Oh, I start to go out and cut it. Everybody had artificial trees when I was a kid.
Are you kidding? It's New Jersey. Everyone's
afraid that the house is going to burn down
because back in the day you'd have those big bulbs.
Right. And that was the thing. The big bulbs
would heat up the dried out Christmas tree.
Houses catch on fire. It's not good. That's kind of a thing of the past.
Fortunately, that's true. That's true.
Think in Oregon, we didn't care about that.
Yeah.
No, but we got real fresh Douglas furs. They
were so like moist. They were beautiful trees.
You're right, though. When we lived in New
Jersey, then we started the tradition of taking
the kids up to the farm, cutting the tree. That was fun.
Then not everybody does that. And that's also the other thing, right? It's like,
it's a highly populated state and area.
They bring in trees probably from the country,
North Carolina, South wherever. And it just wasn't a big thing that I'm aware of.
And then when we moved down here, we tried doing
a real tree. We hung in there for quite a while.
We've been here 18 years and 15 years of 15 years
of real trees, but and it was great. And we would
do a whole thing. We'd, we'd go to the tree lot.
We'd pick out a tree. You would time me to see how
long it would take. Then we'd go get food. I
think I don't know, but it was always a thing.
So then it got to be too much because by two
weeks in the tree was dying. It was completely
dying. There were needles everywhere. And by
Christmas, there were significant parts of it
that were brown. So it was a total mess. And so
we gave in, we did the artificial tree. I got it
from Costco. It's been great. And you're right.
It makes it a lot more easy. But to go back to
Halloween. So the mental load. I'm once we get
through Christmas in July, because that's kind
of like that adjustment period for those of us
who carry the mental load of the holidays is we
have the fourth of July, which we host a party
here, but we have the fourth of July. And then
mentally, I know it's Christmas in July on all
the TV. Hallmark has their movies on. I know people
are starting to shop like on QVC online,
because there's a ton of Christmas sales in July for
Christmas. So I know mentally, okay, it's going
to be like, I'm going through this. It's almost
time to punch in. I'm almost there. I'm going
to, I'm going to have to be punching in soon.
So then when August comes, I'm in the back of
my mind, carrying the mental load of getting the
candy for Halloween, getting the candy for
Halloween. It's there. It's not overwhelming
me. It's not stressful, but it exists. Right.
And I'm sure that's true for a lot of moms who
buy the candy for Halloween. And then to go back to moms who have young children
by September, when especially in the Northeast
and everywhere else in the country, other than here,
that's when school starting. We start in the beginning of August and Florida.
It's costumes. Kids start talking about
their Halloween costumes when they're little.
I mean, usually by the end of September,
they're starting to talk to their friends. But so the
moms are figuring out, okay, we got to get their
costumes. I don't know how involved that is now
with millennial parents. I have a feeling I
would say based on the number of kids that come here
and the quality of their costumes. Yeah. And even
the parents. Yes. Right. Our Halloween's off the
hook here. Yes. And the kids are some of their
costumes are phenomenal. And the whole family.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know if that's, I
don't know if that was this prevalent. I know,
I didn't see parents dressed up walking their,
first of all, I think it's weird. No one walked
with us when we trick or treated. I don't
think like, like as Gen Xers, when we went out,
we just went out with our friends and trick or
treated. And then we came back. There wasn't like
a parent walking with us. It was just
something we did. We went out into the neighborhood.
We went to houses and hardly anyone was outside
of their house at a table. It was all knocking on
the door. People opening the door, handing you
one piece of candy out of their bowl. If their
porch light was on, you knocked on the door. If
the porch light was off, they're out of candy or
they're not home or they're just not handing out
candy. But we navigated that ourselves. As a group,
it'd be like, where do we want to go? What are
we doing? Everyone runs up, knocks on the door.
They hand it out. And that's how our night was
spent. And then we would come home, dump it on
the floor. At least for me, I'd have to go through
it. You know, my mom had a safety thing. Make sure
no razor blades in the apples. Cause that
was a big thing. What was another thing that we
called that whole Tylenol debacle, right? Was
back when we were kids, which got the panic going,
which was the like cyanide or something or some
shit. So it was like checking all the candy to
make sure it's all legit. Cause people gave out
apples. Yeah. That's a whole other thing. Well,
here they give out water and pizza and other
treats. If we're going to compare it, but talking
about back when we were growing up, people handed
out apples. That's why there was, um, risk people,
they would say check for razor blades in the
apples. That probably sounds really weird to younger
people, but people, you had to be worried. Do you
bite into an apple? And that was the fear. Did that
ever happen? I don't know. I don't know. It's
about to ask you. I feel like that's like the,
uh, uh, the seventies, eighties horror
movies, right? Like I don't know. 13th or somewhere.
No, it was not. I can tell you as a horror buff,
I never saw that in a movie, but so we had that
in our head. Another thing that people handed out
that they never hand out now are raisins. We got
lots of boxes of raisins. So that's from like that
silent generation boomer generation. It was fruit,
right? Because coming from the depression
fruit would have been a beautiful commodity. Like
for that would have been special sugar. So a
lot of those people carried that over. They don't
deal with that now. So I would say really
quick, the one holiday that seems to have disappeared
as mischief night. Like I remember trick
or treating and going in and inspecting the,
the vandalism we did the night before,
whether we're soaping up a car or TPing a house,
that kind of thing. I don't think that happens
anymore. I don't know if mischief night happens
anymore probably because of ring cameras. Oh,
good point. There were no cameras and phones.
So because of ring cameras and phones, they're
probably, probably eliminated mischief night.
Not saying stuff doesn't go down. Cause there
is ding dong ditching that goes on in our area.
It can get crazy. And in Florida, you have to be careful cause everybody could,
you never know who has a gun, but I don't think
there is a quote unquote. Our kids never had a
mischief night. That was the best night of the
year. I bet you it's cause of technology that
that eliminated mischief night for sure. Maybe.
So we'll at least ring cameras, but to bring it
back. So we would just go out and go on our
own. Then with our kids, we went out with them and
walked with them, right? So right there, we
have a heavier mental load than our parents and
grandparents did on Halloween because they
had the freedom to go trick or treat. We didn't
give ourselves that freedom because we wanted to
walk with our children. So right from the start,
we're doing an extra labor. The generations
before us didn't have to do, but we're just walking,
right? Most of us didn't dress up. Well, I
remember too, the freaking preschool parties,
the, uh, the, the costume parties would go. I
remember taking off of work, going over to watch
a five minute walk around the school. Yes. And
then the schools themselves did this shit. And
we did it too. I remember dressing up when I
went to Helen Morgan. I think we walked around the
school and parents came and stuff, but not
everybody's parents were there. But I remember
that. Okay. So to your point, I remember going
to Halloween parties at school dress up. It was
awesome. I remember you would dress up on
Halloween that day. And that's when your Halloween
parties were your Halloween parties were on the
day of Halloween and everyone wore their costume
to school, at least where I grew up. It was
awesome. I don't remember parading outside of my
elementary school for parents to watch. It was
Halloween parties in school. And if we did any
type of parade, it was in the school and other
kids would see it, but I don't remember doing
anything outside where parents came. But to
your point, like you said, you had that, but not
everybody's parents were there. And that was
probably like no big deal, right? Like some parents
are there, some parents weren't. Okay. So ramp
that up to when we were raising kids, our little
Gen Z's, everyone's parents are there. Like you
took off work for five minutes. You took off work
to not miss a five minute Halloween parade.
That would have been unheard of for our generation
when we were kids. So again, that just shows
that extra labor, mental labor, physical labor of
holiday holiday time that Gen X has that the
previous parents didn't, because we put that
on ourselves. We didn't want to miss anything.
We're not going to miss that five minute costume
parade outside of preschool, outside of
elementary school. I can't even imagine. So for millennial
parents, which I see them when their kids are
trick or treating our neighborhood, not only are
they not missing anything, they are all dressed
up and it's a theme. Well, there's even people,
adults who come in, try to get candy. Well,
that's a whole nother. I feel like that's scheming.
I think if you're an adult and you try to get
candy, you're scheming. I think it's all one big
scheme. Now, as we're talking about it, honest, it
truly is. The retailers and Hallmark are winning.
They got us all buying into this shit and it's a
lot of money. It's a lot of time. It's a lot of
effort. Okay. They're winning. We're talking
about the Halloween though. So they're winning.
Okay. So what I'm trying to say is this. I'm
fine. I love it. I love to see families dressed up
and it's amazing. Especially when they're all
like the dad is this, the mom and all goes together.
I think it's phenomenal. And what we're seeing are
millennial parents. There's no question about it.
Maybe some older Gen Z parents, but I think it's mainly millennial.
It's when if a parent walks up with their own
bucket. So their kids have come up with a bucket
or a pillowcase, whatever, and they've gotten
their candy. And sometimes there's a parent who has,
they have a baby. And so the parent will
walk up and a bucket for the baby. I don't know.
That's fine. No, that's totally fine. I'm totally
fine with that. It's when the parent has their own
bucket. Yeah. And I, I will say I don't give two
adults. And I might, people may think that I am
a jerk for that, but this is a children's
Halloween is a children's holiday. Or of course, if there's
adults with disabilities, that's a totally
different thing. Obviously that's completely fine.
You know, if we have a child, an adult,
but mentally they're still a child, you know,
for whatever reason, that's, I'm not talking
about that. I'm talking about a mom or a dad.
I've already given to their kids and now they
want candy in their bucket. Are you kidding?
Absolutely not. I will. I looked at, I think I
want to say four or five people this past Thanksgiving
and said, I don't give to adults. And they're
just like, I feel like that's a boomer attitude.
I feel like you're showing your age or
something. I don't, I, maybe I, I think that's ridiculous.
I think this is a children's holiday. Now
I, I think they would be curious. Quick poll.
Do you give to adults that trick or treat at your house or not?
Yeah. You're nay. Why are you coming to my house
asking for candy? If I just gave to your children,
I just gave to your children. Why do you need a bucket of candy? You're an adult.
You're a grown man or woman. Why do you need
your own bucket of candy by each other? Candy.
Why are you coming to my house? I hear what you're saying. I, but
in some ways, hall holidays bring out the kid in
all of us in some respects and Halloween's one of
those. Give me a break already. Sure. Okay. So
it brings out the kid in the adult to dress up.
And I think that's awesome. I love to see adults
dress up. It brings them out of the house to walk
around with their kids, go trick or treating.
Everyone's in a great mood. They might even have
alcohol or something in their, in their
cup. Everyone's having a great time down here.
They're on their golf carts, whatever, but
you're coming up to me with your own bucket
after your kids have gotten candy. No, I don't
give to adults. Forget it. And that's fine. I
don't care if anyone judges me. I think that
you're, if you're a wife coming up to me to get candy in
your bucket, then you should be talking to
your husband. Your husband should have bought you
candy for Halloween. If you needed that bad, like
your kids just got a bunch of candy and you know,
you're going to end up eating half of that
anyways, cause your kids aren't going to eat it all.
And either way, even if they want to, it's
your kids candy. Well, you should mean that much
candy. That's why you have diabetes. Yeah,
maybe, but either way, so that is the opinion I have.
Okay. So, but let's, okay. So we have more
mental load. We have, we're buying candy earlier than
generations before us. We're walking with
our kids generations before us did not do that.
Of course we're checking the candy generations
before us typically did at least Gen X. We were
raised to check our candy. Now millennials, I
think have the pressure of everyone dresses up.
I never felt that pressure. My kids never put
that pressure on me. My kids never expected me
to dress up with them. I think that's a thing,
at least for we live when we see that's a thing.
I'd be curious if that is a thing. Yeah. It has to be a universal thing.
I would, I don't know. I don't know. And then
I think there's a lot more Halloween parties
that adults go to now than when we were adults. So I think the month of October
can have a lot more social engagements that
are centered around Halloween than when we were.
Well, there's no doubt because to your point, when we trick or treated,
we were out and it was lawless. There were no,
there was nobody at the end of their driveways
or anything. Yeah. Now it's common. Even when we,
when we were in Jersey, people would be at the end
of their driveways and they're in those
developments, the McMansion developments down at the bottom,
pizza parties, friends are there. They're all
getting hammered. You see it here too, right?
A lot of people are at the end of their driveways
or up at their steps, hanging out, getting drunk,
party and whatever. Yeah. That wasn't a
thing when we were younger. No, but I'm even,
I agree, but I'm even talking about through
the month, like people hosting Halloween parties
where everyone, and then you have to have different
costumes. So let's say you're invited to different
Halloween Halloween parties. You need a costume
for, you know, the Jones's Halloween party. And
then you know, their costume for the Franklin's
Halloween party. And then you need a costume for
Halloween night. I know there is a listener
out there that can relate to what I'm saying.
When, when I was working in the office, there
were Halloween parties in the office. People
would show up at work with these elaborate
costumes. Yeah. They'd be costume parties,
the whole thing. Oh, our daughter, she had for
Halloween, she had a Halloween costume for work
and then she had a Halloween costume for Halloween. And then I think she went to a
private, she's in her twenties. That's a
little bit different. I'm talking more about
parents. So parents, I think now that have
young children, which would be millennials and older
Gen Z and I'm not, and there are Gen Xers who
have children later in life. So I don't want to
leave them out. There are Gen Xers with young
children still that had children later in life.
But I think there's even more labor involved in
Halloween than when we were growing up for sure.
And even when we had young children, well,
you like, I don't recall anybody decorating. Now
everybody decorates the fricking house, right? We
do. It used to, yeah, we do. It used to be like,
um, maybe like a pumpkin thing or a scarecrow carved pumpkins. Yeah.
That we smash them on, on a, on a, on a, yeah.
So no, I mean like maybe a scarecrow. I remember
that, but you're right to the elaborate degree,
there was always like the house. Yeah. Well, no,
there weren't lights. Like they didn't sell
lights for Halloween. No, no. I mean, now there's LEDs.
Yeah. There's, they start selling lights
probably in, in August. That's part of the candy hall.
The purple, the neon green and the pump and
the orange. I'm telling you the retailers and
Hallmark are winning. I I'm not, I don't
disagree with you, but to go back to, and I think they,
they have a huge handle on this FOMO. Look
at, uh, look at Costco, right? You can buy that,
that eight or 10 foot tall skeleton thing. That's
what I said comes out in July. Yeah. Yeah. I said
they, they start with that and all their other
stuff. Yeah. But that's pretty elaborate. It's,
it's crazy now. And we have a lot of people in
our neighborhood that have that skeleton. Yeah.
I passed on it because I knew it would. Storing it. Yeah. But, and it's cool.
But so, okay. So there's more mental and
physical labor now than ever with Halloween.
I would say that. And even the night itself, and even for those of us who hand out,
like those of us Gen Xers in our fifties that are handing out, it's more elaborate
than when we would just, we used to hand out where people would knock on our door.
Yeah. We went through that where people
would knock on the door and you'd open the door.
We've transitioned to a full table tablecloth. I
put a little decor on it. You know, we, I dress,
I've always put a witch's hat on, but I sit out there. I have, I dinner usually,
because I will start as early as five 30 or six.
We've had, you've dressed up before and had like
a chain. We've had fog machines. We've had
sounds strobe lights. Like we've amped it up because
everyone else is. So we're like wanting to maintain the vibe.
It's also a survival mechanism. You can't
have the dogs going nuts every two minutes.
There's just constant flow when you have
seven to a hundred thousand kids out there.
There's no break. Yes.
It's one large group after another.
Yes.
You've just got to be out there.
Okay. So if you just take Halloween and fall, that starts as early as August,
at least with the mental load for some to buy candy like me.
For some, they start decorating for fall and Halloween.
You go through August, you go through September, and now you're in October.
People with young children have been dealing with getting costumes,
also possibly their own costumes, because it all has to be coordinated.
What costumes are going to wear to different parties?
If they're exhausted, just talking about it.
If they're invited to multiple parties, what their setup's going to look like.
If you have to walk with young children,
who's going to hand out candy at your house?
For us, it was my mom.
So you have to have someone that's going to maintain.
And if you don't have a grandparent that can do that or an older sibling,
then one parent is walking with the children and one parent is at the house.
So you've split now.
So now one parent's managing all the kids and one parent's managing the home front.
That's mental and physical labor.
Okay. You have all that.
That's just Halloween.
Now, back it up to September.
For those of us who host Thanksgiving,
we start thinking about that in September
because we have to now go through mentally.
Okay. What do I make again?
Okay. And you just start thinking about it in your head.
Okay. I need to...
And then you're at the stores and you're like,
"Oh, okay. I'm going to grab marshmallows."
"Oh, okay. I'm going to grab evaporated milk.
I'm going to grab canned pumpkin.
I'm going to... Oh, that's on sale.
I'm going to grab green beans."
You're doing that through September and October.
And then when November hits, it's on.
Like if you haven't already, the beginning of November,
you are pulling out all your recipes that you traditionally make.
You're going through line by line.
What have I bought? What haven't I bought?
And then you're doing your big grocery shopping.
Like, "I need to get this."
It's like, "We're down to the wire now."
And by the time you hit November is when you're like,
"Okay. I actually have to get everything."
So you're spending a good part of November just purchasing food to make.
And now for me, I have all my traditional dishes and I've printed them out.
So it's kind of like a paperclip together Thanksgiving Bible in a way.
And I lay them out and I look at the ingredients and I make my lists.
But I've started picking stuff up in September.
So some things I'm like, "I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it."
That doesn't just... Now that doesn't include just the ingredients.
Now, if you're hosting, you need soda.
You need sparkling water if you serve that.
If you provide alcohol, you need to get the alcohol.
We personally in the last few years have gotten some wine,
but we tell our kids, "Our older two bring what you want to drink."
And they usually... They bring stuff.
We host some of their friends at Thanksgiving.
They also bring some stuff.
But in the past, we used to buy all the alcohol because we also drank.
And then you have to start thinking about when are you going to start making stuff.
So cranberries can be made a week, week and a half in advance.
You can even freeze it.
So you go through these dishes that you make
and then you correlate what days on the calendar you're going to make them.
And so your month of November is pretty much shopping.
And what days am I cooking this?
Also, when is the house getting cleaned?
When am I setting up the tables?
Including the tablecloths, the china, everything.
What day is that going to be out?
That has started in September while you're also carrying the load of Halloween.
So you're layered.
You got two layers going on.
All while trying to be present in the moment, right?
Now, for those who travel for Thanksgiving, go to someone else's house.
Typically, a lot of times you're asked to bring something.
So the pressure isn't as hard on you, right?
You maybe just have to do an appetizer.
Those people, I will say, have it easier.
The people that go to other people's houses do have it easier.
They're not doing the whole production of Thanksgiving, right?
Yeah, nothing.
So the difference in the mental and physical load
versus if you're hosting Thanksgiving and not, there's a difference there.
Mm-hmm.
There isn't as much of a difference with Halloween as much.
Although people that are in the hardcore young children have it heavier,
but we all kind of are managing.
Thanksgiving, there's more of a difference if you're hosting or not.
But if you have to get on a plane--
I wouldn't do it.
Or if you do or drive a road trip that week,
that is a mental and physical load.
That is to carry.
That is heavy.
That can mess up your whole week.
Plus, now you're not staying at your house, so you're not sleeping well.
You're not totally relaxed and comfortable.
I don't think I would do either.
I know you wouldn't, but a lot of people do, right?
Yeah. So they have their own-- we don't do that, so we don't go through that.
We host.
We have our own mental and physical load.
But the people who travel are going through their own shit.
There's no question about it.
And that's a whole thing.
And also where they're traveling, too, could be to family that
they don't totally get along with, or they could be going to the place
where their trauma is sourced from.
It could be really triggering the people they're spending Thanksgiving with.
There's a whole emotional thing there.
So that's an emotional load, right?
So you start preparing for Thanksgiving in September.
And for those of us who are hosting, it's a huge mental and physical labor.
And traditionally, it's on the woman.
Now, I don't know what it's like with millennial marriages.
I don't.
I have a feeling it's a little more even
spaced or spread out than it is for the Gen X
relationships and marriages.
But I don't know.
I can't speak to that.
But in general, traditionally, if a family is hosting Thanksgiving,
the woman is making pretty much everything except the turkey.
Now, the turkey is a big deal, right?
Like that's the main character.
Most important piece.
But, but.
It's got to be in safe hands.
Of course.
But a lot of times the woman has prepped the turkey.
And then the man slides in and either cooks or smokes the tree.
Now, I will say this.
Even if you're I know, you know what?
There's a lot of times the woman is making the turkey too.
If it's in an oven, I would say most of our Thanksgiving's I made the turkey too.
I made the turkey too.
So I for most of our Thanksgiving's I made all the food and I did the turkey.
Where things changed for us is when we started smoking the turkey.
And then that was handed over to you.
And that was that took a labor off of me.
And that was huge.
But for women that are hosting Thanksgiving,
they have shopped, planned, and baked and cooked
everything up to that day.
And then that last week before Thanksgiving is like the end of them.
Like they're just going, they're grinding, they're baking, they're cooking, they're
getting everything ready.
And then you have Thanksgiving and you're hosting, right?
And so you go through the hosting and then now with this Thanksgiving so late,
as soon as Thanksgiving is over, it's like,
bam, you got to get your Christmas spins and
you got to start decorating for Christmas.
And on top of that, you also have Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
And if you have some things that your relatives
or your children, you know they want or your spouse
and you know it's going to be on sale, you have to spend some time shopping.
And even online shopping can take hours
because it can be very overwhelming because you're
looking at this, you're looking at that.
So that weekend after Thanksgiving, after you've
done the layer of Halloween and then you've done
the layer of prepping Thanksgiving and now you're
in the shopping and then you're going to have to
decorate for Christmas, right?
And it's a lot.
Now you're adding the third layer of Christmas.
Christmas is creeped in, right?
And for a lot of families, the person who does most of the shopping is the woman.
So she's just finished hosting Thanksgiving.
Now, if she hasn't hosted Thanksgiving, she got a bit of a break.
She went to someone's house, she brought a dessert or an appetizer.
She's had kind of a look, that woman has had a little bit of a break there.
Now, maybe she had to go to a house she hated.
There's a whole other thing with that.
That could have triggered a whole bunch of stuff.
But she didn't do the grind of hosting and cooking for Thanksgiving.
So now, let's say she did though.
Now she's right into the grind of starting to purchase.
If she hasn't already, because keep in mind,
the women who shop for their families, a lot of them start in the summer.
Because if they see certain things on sale or it can be a stocking stuffer,
they'll start picking little things up
through the summer and sticking it in places.
Like this is good for Christmas, good for Christmas.
That revs up every month.
In August, they get a few more things.
In September, they get a few more things.
In October, they get a few more things.
In November, they get a few more things.
And then the final big push for the women who do this
is that Black Friday Cyber Monday weekend.
A lot of them finished their shopping that weekend.
So before even December's hit, they have 95% of their shopping done.
They've even bought the wrapping paper.
That's a layer, right?
So in a way, Christmas is also there with fall, with Halloween, with Thanksgiving.
You almost have all three holidays kicking in around August, if that makes sense.
In one way or another, they are presenting themselves
to the woman who's kind of in charge of it all.
So she spends a good part of that year, those four months,
really thinking, we're talking about mental load here, thinking about,
it's like moving pieces of those holidays.
Do you know anybody who does all this that you're talking about?
Or is this just you?
No, I know a lot of women that do this.
A lot of women that do this.
Now, I know women who don't host Thanksgiving,
or they may be in situations they cater it in.
So one of the reasons that Thanksgiving also we can't really cut many corners
is I'm gluten free and our daughter's gluten free.
You can't really have that catered in.
And I have a feeling if you did, it'd be very expensive.
So everything has to be made.
Now, could I have someone bring something?
Like one of the side dishes? If I could trust, they would make it gluten free.
Yeah.
And we did have our daughter's friends come this year and she's gluten free.
And so if she comes next year, I could actually ask her to make something.
She did make a great brie appetizer that was so tasty with gluten free,
filo dough, and it was so good.
But yes, most of the women I know are,
managing all these things.
And I see many women on social media that are managing all these things.
Okay.
So you get through Thanksgiving.
I'm calling it a marathon.
It's the holiday marathon.
So you've been running it now for months, but now it's the big show.
It's December.
And for women who have small children, they made Halloween.
It was holy. They made Halloween.
It was totally immersive for them.
Costumes, all that.
They were in it.
Even if they didn't host Thanksgiving, they had to drag those children somewhere.
That's a whole thing.
And they have to shop for all these little children.
You know, if you, especially if you have
multiples, you're shopping for multiple stockings,
multiple kids.
They all want different things.
Plus your spouse.
We're not even touching on the fact that most women,
I'm not going to say most.
There are a lot of women who buy the gifts for their husband's family.
There are a lot of women who buy the gifts for their husband's family.
So she's buying for her children.
She's buying for her spouse.
She's buying for her family.
And then she's buying for her husband's family.
If she isn't one of those women that's been picking up stuff since August,
she's just starting on Black Friday, Cyber Monday.
So the stress is real.
Whether she's finishing that weekend or starting that weekend,
that's a big weekend.
And guess what?
December 1st is Cyber Monday this year.
So you are trying to take care of Christmas shopping,
but hey, also you need to decorate because it's already December.
Hello.
So now there's that, right?
And in this day and age, I don't, in our area at least, I mean, it's on.
It's you decorate with lights.
You make your house look nice.
It's, you don't phone it in.
Like it needs to look pretty nice.
Now we have different houses that do less and houses do more, but
you know, there is a pressure, I guess, to act to be a part of the magic.
Now there are people that don't, right?
I think that's a pressure though, that people put on themselves.
It's no one gives a shit, I don't think, but I
think it's something people put on themselves.
So it's interesting.
The magic of Christmas, the magic of Christmas happens because of work.
And speaking for myself as the woman in this
family who creates the magic of Christmas every year,
I am honored that I get, have gotten to do that for almost 32 years.
Because even before we had kids, I still tried to
make everything magical in our condo or apartment,
whatever we lived in.
I've always loved that I could do that.
I think it's an honor and it's nothing that I have felt was put on me.
I gladly accepted it.
And I think for women who do special
things, and there's so many, there's so many new-
But I mean the whole neighborhood thing.
That's a pressure I think people put on themselves to go out and make sure that
they're decorating and stuff.
There's plenty of Jewish people in our neighborhood or around the area who don't
put up any lights at all.
I'm talking about four people who create the magic of Christmas.
Putting lights on their house is part of it, especially if you have children.
Because young children love lights.
Kids love it.
And so I'm viewing it as when we do that, it's not just doing it for our kids.
Because even our older kids like it and our 15-year-old likes it.
But the young children, when I see them
walk by our house and the big smiles they get,
I feel like I'm being part of the
community by helping give the magic of Christmas to
the younger generations.
Because somebody did that for my kids.
My kids got to see that.
And maybe those people didn't have young children
anymore, but we're all kind of in on the secret.
We're creating this thing for these young children.
I want to be a part of that.
I don't want to live my life not being a part of that part of the community.
I personally think everyone, if you're capable, physically, monetarily,
I think everyone should do something.
Even if it's just throwing one set of string
of lights on one bush in front of your house.
If everyone did a little bit, you're creating that magic.
And it isn't just for young children because everyone feels it.
Because all of our inner-childs remember that feeling, that excitement of Santa.
Santa's coming, we're getting ready.
So that's the whole outdoor lights, as much as our children love it.
We're also, it's a way of giving back.
That's how I view it.
It's a way of giving back.
It's giving to my family, but I'm also giving to other families.
And Christmas can be such a lonely time for some people.
And a melancholy time and a nostalgic time and bring up a lot of sadness.
And so I honestly think Christmas lights can,
if that could be the only thing for some people
that actually made them smile that day or brought
them any type of good feeling inside of themselves.
They could be just drudging through the Christmas season.
And that's their one reprieve, is they saw some cool lights.
So for me, it's more meaningful.
I got out there this year and helped you do it.
Because I think it's important.
It's not just important to me.
I think it's important in general.
But to get back to the magic of Christmas.
So women do the magic of Christmas.
Women do the magic of Christmas.
And most women are honored to do it and happy to do it.
I don't think it's just women who do the magic of Christmas.
I'm not saying it's just women, but I think the
majority of women create the magic of Christmas.
There are a lot of men who help and who do
cool things during the holidays to add to it.
But the foundational magic of Christmas is sourced from a woman's heart and spirit.
I don't agree.
That's so interesting.
The magic of Christmas is mainly created by women.
And I stand by that 100 percent.
Mothers are the source of the magic of Christmas.
And it comes from their heart.
And I think most mothers are honored to do it and are happy to do it.
But it is work.
The magic of Christmas is work.
And any woman that pulls the "oh, just try to be
present in the moment and just try to not worry
and just remember, you know, it's more
important to enjoy whether, you know, then stress out."
That's a pick me.
Give me a frickin' break.
Creating the magic of Christmas takes work.
And from that work, really great memories come.
You are creating memories for your children, right?
You're creating memories for yourself and for your spouse.
But just like any good thing, work went into it.
It doesn't just happen.
Things aren't just going to somehow happen.
Everything isn't just going to somehow be okay.
Because traditionally, the woman is the somehow.
So in general, and I know I'm speaking in generalities, and I know there's going to
be men that are going to be pissed off at what I'm saying.
But in general, women do the shopping.
Women plan the activities.
Women decorate the home.
Women make sure the tree gets in and decorated.
Women do the baking.
Women do the cooking.
Women make sure that her spouse's stocking is stuffed year after year.
I can't tell you how many moms' stockings do not get stuffed.
And I know there's women out there who don't even get gifts bought.
Their husband hasn't bought them gifts.
Like, this happens where she has spent a month or longer
creating all this really cool shit for her family and has loved doing it.
It's not that she's like, women in general love to do this for their family,
but they want to feel some appreciation.
They want to feel seen.
Not that it's an exchange, but they want to
feel that they're appreciated for this work
that was put in and that it's recognized in some way.
And the least their spouse can do is buy
them Christmas gifts and fill their stocking.
Do you think that there's women out there
in family situations that don't receive gifts
for Christmas?
Yes, from their spouse.
From their spouse.
Guys, that's terrible.
That's terrible.
I buy gifts.
I like it.
I do.
I enjoy it, but that's terrible.
There and there are even.
How is that possible?
How is that even possible?
If you're married to someone and you have kids and there's a family,
hell, even if you have just a girlfriend or a wife, you got to, if you celebrate,
you have to get something.
It happens.
That's crazy.
And it happens a lot.
And even more so, there are so many women whose stockings do not get filled.
You're a lucky girl, aren't you?
Okay.
Well, let's put it this way.
My stocking did not get filled by you for many years.
That's not true.
No, my stocking got filled by me and my mom.
That's because I, well, you put nuts and tangerines or whatever.
Shit like that.
No, it wasn't for lack of generosity.
I think it was, to be honest with you, just
being a Genex woman, I just, it was easier for me to
buy stuff I wanted from my stocking and then my mom would buy stuff from me.
And I honestly never thought about saying to
you, get some stuff from my stocking and you
didn't think about doing it.
And then it was just in the last, like, I
want to say five years or so where it's like,
you need to guess you've gotten some stuff from my stocking.
I filled it this year.
Then it was so full that one of the things I got you got taken out.
But you have always bought me, you've taken more than care of me at Christmas.
And I know you're appalled right now
thinking that there's men that haven't bought their
wives gifts, but it happens.
It happens.
So you have a lot of women out there that
are, have been busting their ass with these
layers of holiday, Halloween, Thanksgiving,
now we're at Christmas and the whole Christmas.
There's so much that goes along with Christmas.
They're socializing.
And if you have young children, they all have Christmas parties.
And if you have a kid that has a birthday
in December, that's a whole nother freaking
thing that's thrown at you.
And then you get to Christmas day and your stocking's empty or you don't have gifts
from your husband.
I agree.
It's appalling.
Those men should be ashamed of themselves.
And also what kind of example are you giving to your children?
Well, I mean, you have to, you're making
the assumption that there's gifts there for
kids and that they can afford it and all of that, right?
There's some token of...
Absolutely.
No, I'm talking like she's taking care of the kids.
They all have their gifts, Santa Claus.
He has his gifts.
Their stockings are full.
His stocking is full.
Her stock...
What kind of example are you as a spouse showing
your sons if you don't feel your wife's stocking?
You're just perpetuating this because your
sons aren't going to think that's important.
What about like couples without kids?
I don't know.
I assume they fill each other's stockings.
Or if the kids have all grown on and now you're
like, "All right, finally we're done with this.
We can kind of just chill out."
No, you still do stockings.
That's the magic of Christmas.
I think the magic of Christmas has been somewhat
zapped though by all this over-commercialization
of it that...
Right?
I'm expressing another, a different viewpoint.
It's too much.
It's gone too far, I guess.
I'm not saying there shouldn't be Christmas.
Trust me, I like Christmas.
But it's gone too far.
It sets out of control.
I do think that consumerism is out of control.
I think it's interesting because I think that
things that we would have thought would be big
gifts when we were growing up are just regular gifts now for kids.
Everyone has access to everything.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Do you remember when it was a big deal to buy a big screen TV?
Yeah.
And only a few people actually had one.
Yeah.
Now it's just normal.
Everyone has one.
Yeah.
So...
I'll tell you, I will show you my favorite gift.
Well, I don't want to say favorite.
If you're watching on YouTube.
If you're watching on YouTube, maybe a short, I guess we won't do a short of this.
But this is one of my favorite gifts this year.
And I guess it's a photograph of Kaya and I
when she got roller skates and I had roller blades.
This is a great idea.
So it's a photo.
It's taken from a photo when Kaya was younger
and she was roller skating your rollerblading
and you guys are holding hands.
And I took that picture of you guys from the back.
She took that picture and sent it to a
t-shirt company and they superimposed this design.
I think it's clever.
No, it's great.
No, and that's sentimental, right?
Mm-hmm.
So...
And they're sent in.
People get...
I think that should be a new direction on all of this stuff, right?
So many...
To your point, TVs, Xboxes, phones, whatever it is, right?
Thousands of dollars are spent.
A lot of people can't even...
They overspend.
A lot of people go into debt and overspend just to keep up with the Joneses.
There should be this movement to go back.
Okay, but here's...
Like handmade things, hand carved.
Like Etsy is a great example.
A lot of people do have Etsy shops.
Great way to support local communities
instead of a bunch of crap from barges from China.
Yes, I understand that.
But when you have children, it's just not reality.
No, I get it.
Because also children have social media.
And so talk about keeping up with the Joneses.
Those kids are plugged into keeping up with everyone all the time.
It never ends.
So unless the whole collective of parents made that decision.
I'm calling for it.
I'm calling for that movement now.
But that's easy for you to say because we've already raised...
Our youngest is 15 and we were part of that.
We were part of it this Christmas.
Like we are a part of it too because no one wants their children to feel left out
or that they didn't get something that
everyone has, which makes them feel left out.
It's an emotional thing.
Everyone wants to make sure their kids are okay when it really comes down.
This is why I say the retailers are winning and Walmart's winning
because it's emotional and it's not practical.
Remember when I talked about empathy a few episodes ago
and how politicians can use empathy against people?
Retailers use empathy against people because we feel what our children will feel
if they don't get that thing.
And so we purchase it for them.
Now, I will say there is a group, obviously of parents who give their kids stuff
just to one up and for clout, right?
That's a whole nother thing.
Unfortunately, those people usually are the ones that start this whole problem
because Johnny got this.
Yeah, 100%.
So now Timmy wants this and now Jimmy wants this
and now everybody wants this.
And now you're trying to figure out how to get that thing
that that family could or could not afford, who knows?
But they decided to make this astronomical purchase for a 10-year-old
and now everyone's 10-year-old wants it when it's not real.
So parents start this, whether they're trying to clout chase, flex,
new money does a lot of this shit,
where wealth whispers, just a heads up, wealth whispers.
What's that mean?
Meaning old money and people who are truly wealthy
aren't out there being obnoxious with their money.
There's people who look like they could be working in your garden
and they're the ones that are the most wealthy type.
But my point is, is it's a perpetual cycle
and we were a part of it too, because it's an emotional thing
and it probably ties back to our own childhood.
There were probably so many times that we felt left out
and I know I can speak for myself.
I grew up in a very affluent area.
I had a single mom and sure, my dad was a doctor in Michigan,
but it did not mean that that translated to me
having a lot of stuff all the time.
And so there was a lot of things I didn't have
that every peer around me did and it sucked.
It sucked.
Do you not think that I haven't transferred that sometimes
to my own children?
Oh yeah, definitely.
Well you too though, there's things,
you and I have talked about this before we even had kids,
that there were things you wanted and you got
and it made your life easier and you feel that
you wanted that for your children.
If they want a pair of shoes and it makes their life easier,
you're buying that pair of shoes.
I think so many parents feel that way.
And so you're right.
The retailers have us by the balls.
Just like entertainment does with movies, Disney does.
Cause all these kids are gonna wanna go see the movie,
whether the parents feel comfortable with that movie or not
or wanna go to that theater or not.
I think that's changing.
Yeah, maybe.
So either way, that does play into Christmas, absolutely.
So there's the stress of that
because I just got done talking about the moms, right?
And I know this sounds very old school type shit,
like the mom shopping, the dad's working.
Cause I know that most moms are also working outside
the home and they're purchasing things with money they've made.
So it's not just all the dad making the money, right?
But even if that's the case,
the dad still has the monetary stress of the holidays.
So both of them, if they're both working,
have the monetary stress of the holidays.
She's got the monetary stress of the holidays
plus everything else tied to the holidays.
The emotional labor, the mental labor, the physical labor.
In general, the dad has the monetary stress
of the holiday labor.
And that can be incredibly stressful.
That can be, especially if they're not
in the best financial situation,
but he knows this has to happen.
And so he's going through, he may be edgy,
he may lose his temper,
he may not be enjoying the holidays as much
because all he's thinking about is the money aspect of it
and how is this going to affect their family
and are they going into debt over this?
And how are they going to pay this off when January comes?
And so she has, if she's working outside the home,
the monetary stress, and then the mental stress,
the physical stress, the emotional stress,
creating the entire magic of Christmas.
He's got this huge monetary stress, right?
And now, do you not think arguments are going to happen?
Well, you have the stress of the mom making magic too.
It's very stressful on the family.
Then he's also, because in some ways,
then this goes back to sometimes I think like,
if there's some issues or things are lacking in general
the rest of the year in the relationship,
the holidays can amplify it.
So if she needs help, and let's say he never really helps
in the holidays is when she really needs help
and he's still doing his old habits,
that's when a really big blowout can happen.
You know, if that makes sense.
You know, is that--
Because everything you just described,
I'm getting stressed just listening to the calendar
starting in August, right?
And it's crazy.
I find these holidays very stressful
because I typically will hold off my,
I'm off from work, right?
And then it's time to chill.
But then there's all these activities,
like whatever it might be, shopping, going out to dinner,
you know, getting stuff ready, it adds up.
It's a lot.
Well, so what's interesting is what you just described
is where you, let's say you personally,
what you participated in was shopping
the day before Christmas Eve
and going out to dinner on Christmas Eve.
Those two things just stressed,
you just said those, that was a lot.
It is a lot.
You shouldn't be out in the masses doing any of that stuff.
It's almost like traveling, right?
You say, I wouldn't travel for Thanksgiving.
It's too stressful, you're out there with Joe public.
I just don't think you even understand what you just said.
Let's just take us.
I have been doing stuff since August, right?
Let's just take that, right?
And now let me just-
Asmonically, I have been too.
Okay, well, that's because you live with me
and you feel that you've had to absorb the energy from that.
Yes, yes, it's a lot.
Which I would think is the least you could do, right?
But anyways, so let's say,
there's, let's say 500, there's a lot for me
that I've been dealing with.
You had to-
No.
And I think that's what it comes down to.
I really do.
I think that's where the resentment builds
and I'm not gonna totally personalize this,
but what I'm saying is I know there's a lot of women
that do all the things
and it could start in August, September, October,
whatever, November,
or there's women that start at the beginning of December.
But either way, if you're talking Christmas,
most of them are pulling together that magic Christmas,
whether they started in August
or they started December 1st
or they started December 15th,
but they're pulling it together.
It's happening.
And we're talking about mothers, just to be clear,
because mothers are going to do that for their children.
I mean, of course there's shitty mothers,
but I'm talking about in general,
mothers are going to make sure
that their children have Christmas memories,
that Santa is coming and it's gonna be great.
Now, there's a lot-
And if it's not great, you have a problem.
Well, yeah, well, what's interesting is-
You better enjoy your Christmas.
No, no, what's interesting is,
what's interesting is as the mother is trying
to do all these things or is doing all these things
and many times also working a full-time job.
So just imagine and trying to maintain their house.
The load is crazy.
It really is during the holiday season for a woman.
If she works outside the home, she's working full-time.
If she is a stay-at-home mom, she's working.
It's exhausting.
There is no punch out for stay-at-home moms,
and I can't stress that enough.
Then she has to worry about her house being clean.
Dinner's on the table.
Lunch is, lunch, stuff to make lunches for their kids.
Breakfast.
And then prepping for the holidays.
Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then the big show, Christmas.
And she's doing it.
I think it's understandable if she has moments
where she might lose her shit.
If she asks her partner to do something
and she either gets pushback or he blows her off completely
or even questions why that's important
and doesn't just give her that moment of support.
I think what a lot of men don't understand is women,
it's knowing that if a woman goes to you,
you're going to be there to help.
It's that what causes the anxiety for a lot of women
is in the back of their mind they know,
I'm going to go to my partner, to my husband,
and he's going to push back or he's going to blow me off
or he's going to forget.
And so it's that feeling of I can't truly depend on him
and so I'm doing this alone.
Do you think that's common?
I think that's common. I think it's very common.
And more often than not, she's given him the opportunities
to step up but he hasn't year after year
so obviously resentment builds
but it just amplifies that feeling of
I'm doing this on my own.
I don't have a partner in this situation
because he thinks what I'm doing is over the top
and so he's just, it's not important to him
so he's just not going to do it.
Instead of viewing, instead of changing his perspective
of look what she's doing for this family,
look what she's doing for my children,
look what she's doing for me.
How can I help?
How can I help?
It's so simple but it requires for some reason
for a lot of men.
They have to get past so many things
to even get to that point
and I think it's something that in general,
women really struggle to try to understand
because our first inclination is how can I help?
We don't even think of blowing it off,
forgetting it or pushing back.
If you need help, if someone needs help,
we're helping, how can I help?
But when it's our turn, we don't feel we can depend
that we're gonna get that same support.
So if you're in, for a lot of women,
if they're in a situation where they get pushed back
or they don't have one of those partners
that's ready to support them,
or that, because there are partners like that.
There are men that are like,
when do you want the Christmas bins?
Or what can I get?
Or do you need me to run the store?
Or what are you working on now?
For a lot of women, when they're in the middle
of the holiday chaos, just something as simple as,
what are you working on right now?
Just interest, it's feeling seen.
It's so you don't feel like you're this invisible servant
that's doing all the things and it's going unappreciated.
And not just going unappreciated,
but then you might have your partner saying something like,
why you make such a big deal about this?
Or why are you going over the top?
Or this is important to you and that's why you're doing it.
So it can amplify, it can get beyond just
wanting to feel appreciated,
but then it can get into being ridiculed
for wanting to create this, wanting to do this.
And if it's important to your partner
and you know it's gonna happen,
she wants to do this.
It's important to her.
It's important to her children.
It's a family tradition.
She's either creating it right from the start
if you have young children or if you have adult children,
it's set.
Like this is your kid's tradition.
It's what they expect.
So if you throw it out the window,
you're totally throwing out their Christmas traditions
out the window.
So now it needs to happen.
I think speaking as a woman, what I don't understand is,
and I know there's reasons for it,
but why is it so hard for so many men
to not just step up in these situations
and not just be like,
"This looks great.
I like that you did that."
Or it's like the smallest things
because women in general wanna feel seen
for the magic they create in life in general,
but especially around the holidays,
it matters.
But the worst thing that happens or can happen
is if a man makes it even more stressful.
It's already stressful.
You're already talking about all these layers
that she's been a fucking conductor
in an orchestra for months.
The last thing she needs is to be ridiculed or get pushback.
I feel that's a common thing.
Are you seeing that allowed there a lot?
Yes.
People are women with social media now so prevalent.
Is this a topic?
Yes.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Yeah, she's done all the wrapping,
all the cooking, all the shopping.
I'm not saying everyone.
There are men.
I will say this,
and I don't know if this is social media or what.
There are a lot of men stepping up.
There really are.
And so that's been really cool to see.
Or you'll see women comment
that their husbands do this and that.
I think the younger generations are figuring out,
hey, we need to divide this from women probably.
We need to divide this from the start.
That's smart.
If you're a young person listening to this,
decide how you kind of want your holiday traditions to look
and then assign who's gonna do what.
Make an agreement as partners.
Okay, I will do the basic.
It's probably a good idea.
Yeah, you're like, I'll do the baking,
but you need to go pick out the wrapping paper
because I can't tell you the decision fatigue
that goes with the holidays for women.
I'm gonna say for women.
Do you think you wrap people's gifts
in different wrapping paper?
Is that common?
There are people who do that.
So what Brian's talking about,
one of our traditions is Santa gives each of the kids
their gifts in their own wrapping paper.
So like our daughter would have wrapping paper,
let's say all in Barbie.
And our one son would have all Spider-Man
and our other son would have all Batman
or Hot Wheels, whatever.
And it's whatever they're into that year.
And we still do it.
So this year, our daughter ran a marathon.
Her wrapping paper was Santa running a marathon.
And our older son and younger son coached
a basketball team together.
So I got custom wrapping paper that says best coach
and their names in the year.
And I did Marilyn Crabbe for my son's girlfriend
because she's from Maryland.
And I will say why it's easier.
This is a tip, no name tags.
There is no two so and so from Santa.
Two so and so from Santa.
Two so and so from Santa.
Two so and so from Santa.
It's just you wrap it and you put it out.
Or Santa puts it out.
But so for me it's simplify things.
That was actually a step I took to simplify things.
Is I didn't have to do the stupid name.
I hate writing the name tags.
I have horrendous handwriting.
And it's almost like you reach a point
where you're so tired that writing a name tag is like,
I wish I could take out Sharpie and just write their name
on it and just like whoever I'm giving it to.
You can.
I know, I might next year.
I might just write mom.
What about just pivoting to gift bags?
You know, I think--
It's a beautiful thing.
I don't mind it, but I think for the kids,
I think it, I know for our kids, it adds to their Christmas.
They actually want to know what they're excited to see
what their paper is.
I agree.
They enjoy seeing what the paper is for sure.
Yeah, so if you decide to do that
for anyone starting out or whatever,
one regret I have is I didn't keep a scrap
of each wrapping paper and put it in like a scrapbook
because it shows you what they were into that year.
If I could go back--
I would have done video.
Yeah, but I would have kept the scrap.
So I think, I think, I don't know.
I think that, I think women create the magic of Christmas.
And I think women are, many women are honored to do it.
It's not a complaint thing.
It's not a, I have to create the magic of Christmas again.
It's that they're going to create the magic of Christmas.
And so the least their partner or husband should do
is make sure they feel seen while they're doing it.
And if it's what can I get from the store for you?
Come on guys, step up.
What can I do to help?
What can I do to help?
Is like, people don't get that.
That's like saying, I love you.
How can I help you?
Makes a woman feel like he just said, I love you.
And also when a man remembers something about you
and buys you a gift based on that,
that's saying, I love you too.
I remember and how can I help?
Are this, are synonymous with I love you.
I wish more men understood that.
And that's a year round thing.
But especially during the holidays, when she is in it,
more men need to step up
because what's happening is these women
are by the time they cross the finish line
of the holiday marathon, you feel like those people
you see crossing finish lines at marathons
that are barely walking.
And it's not a complaint thing again.
Most women, not all women, but most mothers, I will say,
enjoy creating this magic of all the holiday season.
But they want support and they want help.
And they at least want to feel like if I ask him,
he'll come through for me.
He's got my back.
Women need to feel like their partner has their back in this
and are kind of on call.
Like I got this, but if I need you, you need to tap in.
And I need to know you will.
And the worst thing a woman can feel during this time
is I can't turn to him because he's gonna get pushed back
or he's gonna forget or blow me off.
Or worse, he's gonna ridicule what I'm doing
and question why I'm even doing so much
or I'm going over the top.
Those are the worst responses.
It makes everything a million times worse and it hurts her.
So I just think as far as the distribution of labor,
because I think it's on women.
And then I think it is on their partner
or their husband to be part of the supporting cast here.
He should want her to succeed in this
and be grateful she's doing it.
I don't think there's enough gratitude out there
for the women in the world that are creating this,
all the magic of the holidays.
I think there's expectation
because our society has created that.
It's a cultural thing.
It's an interesting concept.
Well, I think it goes so far as even if a woman is,
a lot of times women will buy, like I said, for their in-laws
and let's say she doesn't,
let's say one year she's like, I'm not doing it.
The failing will be looked down her.
Oh, she just didn't take care of it this year.
I think it's rare that it would be looked at him.
It would be, oh, she must have not got around
to it this year.
Not, why didn't he buy me that?
It'll still be on her.
So she's the scapegoat too.
Yeah, I would agree with that.
So that's where some of that pressure comes from, right?
Because you don't wanna be the scapegoat
for any quote unquote failings of the holiday season.
Like if the Christmas card didn't get out in time
or it's late, she didn't get it out in time.
It's not that he didn't.
She didn't get it out in time.
She must have not ordered in time.
She must've not arranged for the photographer
to come early enough or for them to get a good picture.
It does seem like people are backing off on cards, right?
Isn't that been kind of a trend?
Yeah, I think so.
That bums me out because I love that.
I love getting cards.
I think it's gonna become an old fashioned thing,
but I think it's gonna come back around.
I think things got so digital,
but I think the appreciation for the snail mail,
getting something in the mail is gonna come back around.
But the thing about it, and I'm fine with the cards.
I like getting the cards,
but decision fatigue on that as well, right?
You gotta get the picture.
Gotta figure out what the layout,
all that stuff that goes into it, it's just a lot.
It just adds to the stress and chaos.
It does.
Do you remember we went to Washington DC in September
and I said to all of you, if we get a good picture,
we don't have to worry about it.
But that was in my head.
That was in your head,
because we fought before in the past.
We're going to take a picture
that everyone's fighting and pissed
and because it didn't come out or somebody blinked
and somebody else looks good,
someone's hair is off, all that shit, right?
It's stressful, so it worked out perfect.
Let's get a picture that we got at some event in July.
That's good enough.
Yes, but it was in my head.
I think actually I just--
Do you hear what I'm saying though?
Yeah, yeah, no, I hear you.
That's part of the layer.
I was already thinking about the Christmas picture
in September. And the whole squad
was on board.
Yes, and we aren't the only families of five, by the way,
at Christmas picture time.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, you were gonna say something.
No, no, I was gonna say,
there's a concept of it's good enough.
It's good enough, it's good enough.
Let's keep going.
Good enough, make a decision, move on.
Good enough, good enough, good enough.
And just keep going and going.
And it's still Christmas magic.
I think you can still have it.
But some things are just good enough.
But you know, take the picture, right?
We've gone through that where it's like fighting over it.
I'm the photographer, the kids, blah, blah, blah.
And it's finally like, all right, finally, it's good enough.
Yes. Let's move on.
Right, yes.
And there's things where it can't be just good enough.
Like it needs to be what it is.
Do you know what I mean?
Like there are things where--
I agree.
Because it's a tradition--
An example would be our lights outside.
I think we did a nice job this year.
We teamed up together, went to, got it.
I think it looked good, right?
And it was better than I think good enough.
Or do you think it was just good enough?
There's some opportunities for next year.
No, no, no, I think--
But let me ask you a question on that.
And I was fine doing it, I enjoyed it.
But from someone on the outside looking in,
I do most of everything for Christmas,
Thanksgiving, Halloween.
Some people would maybe say,
why couldn't you just take care of the lights?
And I'm saying objectively.
Yeah, yeah.
And you have in the past.
She's doing all the things, can't you just do that?
Yeah.
And how would you answer that?
I'm kind of done with it.
I've always done the lights.
I've been doing lights since I was 15.
Or 14 years old.
And now the kids aren't into helping.
I think Kai and I did it last year.
No, Kai and I did it last year.
Yeah, maybe you guys, I'm just done.
It's like, I'll go out and put up one or two things.
But I don't care, I guess.
Okay, so right.
But then that ties into,
we talked about Christmas lights
earlier in this episode, right?
And I think I expressed my view on them.
And now you understand probably even more
how I feel about lights.
But that that's important to me.
And that's important to the kids.
Our kids have texted me saying, how do they look?
So the kids should come over and help me do it?
Or whatever.
Well, okay, okay, okay.
So, but this is, the part of the magic is,
is like they get to see them when they drive up
and they're like, oh, that looks so good.
You know what I'm trying to say?
So if it's important, this is a good example.
If it's important to me, but you're tired of doing it,
how does that work?
Like how does a couple find common ground?
Yeah, great question.
If you're, cause there's stuff with Christmas,
I'm tired of doing too.
Like what?
I cook.
I'm sorry, you don't quote unquote cook,
you cooked this year.
I cooked the last few years.
No, no, three years ago we ordered Chinese,
which I thought was great.
That was good actually.
No, no, it was the day before.
Cause in the past I've said, I'm not cooking
and I've gotten a bunch of appetizers from Costco
and we've put those up.
But then you guys were starting to say, this isn't enough.
So then I was like, let's order Chinese food.
We got it the day before, put it in the fridge
because we couldn't order it on Christmas.
There was nowhere around us that had gluten-free
Chinese food on Christmas.
So we had to get the day before.
And then you guys said, you didn't like it leftover.
We were not doing this again.
And that was three years ago.
And so last year, I don't remember what we did.
I made a same as this year.
The brisket.
I didn't think so.
Yeah.
Okay, and then this year you did a brisket.
So yeah, that's good.
And that took a, that was actually,
and you've keep doing it.
You made nachos last night.
No, I like that tradition.
That's a relatively new tradition.
And I think I did say to you, this is great.
I think we should keep doing this.
But I think that's a great point.
Traditions should morph and evolve.
And so you should continue to evolve your traditions
and not get to be in.
But the tradition is food was still there, right?
With the lights, there'd be no lights.
That's not true.
Okay, so yeah, there,
because you almost were like not even really wanting
to do lights at all this year.
No, I would say, I guess a little personal baggage here
for the audience would be,
it wasn't as timely as you wanted the lights put up.
It's more in line with reality, right?
Because as you were saying, Thanksgiving happened.
And then all of a sudden it's boom.
And yeah, I wasn't ready to just jump right in
and do lights.
It was, you know, still had the turkey coma,
which is, you know, I smoked the turkey,
two of them by the way.
Okay, so we're all supposed to clap for you.
Everybody clap.
Yeah, I want a cookie.
Right? Yep.
Right, but--
The cookie that you made.
Yeah, that I made.
(both laughing)
No, it's just, it's an interesting thing
because I kind of forced the issue,
I think the next weekend,
because if I didn't,
we wouldn't have lights up for longer than like two weeks.
And that felt, didn't feel right.
Is it too early to take them down?
Cause I was a moment long yesterday,
I'm ready to take some of them down.
Is it too early or--
It's interesting,
cause there's different views on that.
I personally like to keep things up,
excuse me, through epiphany,
through January 6th, Armenian Christmas.
The Christmas-- January what?
Six. Okay.
But we can, that can be a discussion.
I might be fine with, you know, whatever's convenient.
But Christmas starts Christmas day.
So the way I view Christmas,
all of this that we've been talking about,
the holiday distribution of labor and all that,
that's all prepping for Christmas.
But for, in my mind, it doesn't end on Christmas.
The celebration starts on Christmas.
That's celebrating the birth of Jesus.
It starts on Christmas.
And then the 12 days of Christmas
are those 12 days after Christmas.
So for-- Oh really?
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, the 12 days of Christmas start--
I thought it was a commercialization of the 12 days
leading up to Christmas and the 12th day was Christmas.
No. Oh, interesting.
No, so it begins on Christmas.
All been lost.
Because there's the whole journey,
like the three wise men come a few days later
and the epiphanies like January 4th.
It's a whole thing, right?
Where do you find out about this whole thing?
Cause it's all lost.
It's all gone. Well, I agree it is.
But you can Google it as you always say to me.
Yeah, you could Google.
But so my point is for me personally, mentally,
as a mom who's been doing all the things really since August
for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas,
but then let's get to Christmas, right?
The big show.
I've been prepping for Christmas,
but it starts on Christmas.
And then I spend my, that especially the time
between Christmas and New Year's Day,
that's my time.
Like I really can relax and I can eat the cookies I made
and I can just sit and stare at my tree
with either a glass of wine or a cup of coffee,
or I can go walk around in the front of my house
and just stare at the lights at night.
And now I don't have to think about,
I still need to buy this gift.
I still need to wrap this gift.
I still need to go get a dress for Christmas.
My mind is clear.
My mind is clear.
That's nice.
Yeah, and I can just look around and enjoy.
And that is my 12 days of Christmas.
It starts on Christmas.
And so I keep my decorations up during that time
because the celebration of Christmas is now.
I wonder if I'll represent a male view on this.
I'm cramming, because I got to go back to work
and start my, right, I took off and show a little bit,
but then I'm cramming to get ready to have to go
and start a new year, new things.
So it's very different, very different.
But I think there's women that also have to go back
to work, you said a male view.
I'm saying a male perspective, but you're right.
I mean, it's somebody who's--
Going back to work, going back to, no, yeah.
But I think even for people who have to go back to work,
like they took this time off,
there's a lot of mothers who have to go back to work
probably January 4th or whatever, whenever that Monday is.
Or this week.
Or there's people, okay.
Like I said earlier, there's people who have to work
during this time.
I'm more talking about the people who traditionally
take this time off, right?
But even so, it ends.
And so, and even for stay-at-home moms,
school starts back up again.
You're back into routine, homework, sports, stress.
So even for the moms who are home,
it all starts back up when they go back to school.
So for all of us, there's an end.
There's an end here, whether it's going to work again,
or your kids are going back to school
and you're back on as a stay-at-home mom.
There's this period, and this is the 12 days of Christmas.
And this is, there are people who,
there's people who take down their Christmas trees
Christmas night.
There's people who already have their stuff put away.
Part of me thinks they're the same people
that decorate November 1st,
but they're sick of it by now, right?
Like if you wait a little bit longer,
I'm not tired of it yet.
It's only been up like a month.
So I'm enjoying it still.
But this is also my time.
There's a creator on TikTok, I saw her,
she calls it Steeping.
This is when we're steeping in our Christmas spirit
because we can do it with a clear mind
and be totally present and in the moment.
And so for so many mothers who create this Christmas magic,
it's their first time where they can just be in the moment
and not have the long to-do list in the back of their head.
Because even if you're at these Christmas parties
and you're doing all these things,
you still have the weight of what you need to get done.
And again, I think for most women and most mothers,
they are happy to do it because it's the magic of Christmas
and they wanna do that for their children.
But if they have a partner, they need to know,
he sees what I'm doing, he sees me,
and he cares enough about my emotional and mental health
to say, how can I help?
What are you doing today?
Is there something I can do to help you today?
I think that if people watch this,
then maybe that can help bridge the divide
you're talking about in some ways
because what you're describing is what women need.
What men are probably going through is,
oh my God, this is too much, blah, blah, blah.
So maybe if people watch this,
they can watch it again next year, start in August,
because that's when all this shit starts up
and that's when women start stressing out.
And as men, it just slowly comes and comes,
it comes and builds up.
So maybe that's a communication change
for the collective consciousness or people
when it comes to Christmas and the holidays.
No, I think it'd be great.
It's almost like, remember the friendship
part of your relationship and be a good friend.
Just be like, and trust me,
and I do think there should be division of labor.
I do, but for some of us, I'll speak for ourselves.
We've been together almost 33 years.
There's some things, trust me,
there are things that have changed or are changing,
but it takes longer when you're in a relationship like this.
And conversations like this will help even Brian and I,
like for next year.
But if you're younger and you're starting out,
divide that labor up now, like figure out what you--
Or keep things simple.
Don't get too complicated
because keep your traditions very basic and simple.
If you can, like when it's just the two of you,
you totally can.
And when your kids are really young, you still can.
But once they hit that school age, it's challenging.
And I think it's important to be realistic with that.
Like, sure, you have the people that are like,
my kids are not, you have the righteous people
or the pygmies that are like, well, my kids don't watch TV
or have screens, but a lot of times those kids are weird.
Like, you know what I'm trying to say?
Like, sure, you can have situations
where it's the crunchy granola family
who's isolated themselves pretty much
from their kids assimilating as normal people in society
because they're so far one way.
And that's, I know, a controversial thing to say,
but sometimes you're making it harder on your kid
if you remove literally everything,
then it's almost like they don't know how to communicate
with their peers. You know, I heard a stat.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Yeah, it does, but I heard a stat.
I think it's either 90% or 97%
of a US citizen celebrate Christmas,
which shows you if we're not a 90% Christian nation, right?
So we've got non-Christians celebrating Christmas,
so the Hallmark and retailers are winning, right?
That's what I'm saying. Yes.
So everybody's celebrating Christmas now,
just about everybody.
Yes, no, it's true.
I know Jewish people who celebrate Christmas.
They celebrate both. Yes.
And let's throw in, if you're Jewish
and you celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas,
that's a whole nother thing.
You're buying gifts for Hanukkah,
and although they start small and build up,
but that's like, oh my gosh,
like throw in the fourth holiday, oh my gosh.
So I just think, like I said,
if you're a young couple starting out,
it could be something as small as who's gonna wrap.
It could be that small.
Who is gonna stuff the envelopes of the carts?
Well, you know, for me, a big job of mine--
I'm being dead serious on these things.
A big job of mine that's no longer around
is putting shit together.
Remember, I would always be up late putting stuff together.
It's nice to have older kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, and I will say that you,
our kids were young, I didn't put anything together.
You did that.
So it could be things like that, but like,
so in general, the women's list,
let's say her list has 20 things, his list has two.
I'm just saying comparatively, it really is like that.
So it's like, let's make this list more even,
or the very--
Honestly, reduce the list
is what I would suggest to people.
True, but I think to be realistic,
I don't disagree with that, but let's be realistic.
Everyone, most people, you grew up getting a lot of gifts.
I grew up getting a lot of gifts.
Even if it wasn't expensive stuff,
it was a lot of things to open.
Especially if you grew up like that,
you like to give your kids that.
You like Christmas morning, oh my God,
there's been times on Christmas Eve,
you're like, "Did we get enough?"
And you've said that to me.
Like, in general, a lot of families like to have
that feeling of, "Santa came, look at everything."
That's that magic, right?
So I try to keep in mind, sure, simplify,
but let's be realistic too.
Like, everyone gets caught up in the magic of Christmas,
and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
But it can be little things that you get help with.
If you can divide up those small things,
and I may give you something next year.
I may say, "I need you to put these cards
"and these envelopes for me.
"I just need you to do that."
If you can do that, that will help.
See, and I'm taking responsibility
as a Gen X woman who took everything on,
and I'm aware of that.
But, and I also am with a Gen X guy,
and they aren't known for their emotional development
or their emotional IQ.
So it wouldn't occur to you to stop and say,
"How can I help you today?"
That's not in your DNA.
For the card example, I would say,
"Let's not send cards."
But we just got done, I know, but that,
see, that's a cop-out.
No.
No, because, okay, A, I enjoy sending them.
We enjoy receiving cards, and it's a tradition.
And the kids like to see what picture did we do.
It's one of our family traditions.
So, but that's so interesting.
And I find that is such an interesting male response.
And I bet that happens to a lot of women.
I am asking if you could just put cards in an envelope.
You could be watching football while you're doing it.
And instead of being like, "I can totally do that,"
your response is, "Let's just not do cards."
Do you see how that doesn't work?
Why not?
Because you're wanting to throw it all away
because you don't wanna be in convenience
for a short amount of time.
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying I wouldn't stuff the cards.
I'm not saying there's no value in that.
All I'm saying is it's worth questioning
whether you should do it or not.
That's pushback.
No, it's not.
But it is.
No.
Yes, so that right there is that
this is part of the Christmas magic.
This is part of our tradition,
and this is something that we all participate in.
And we send out--
No, we all don't.
We do.
Even we send to people that you want to receive cards to.
Our older two send to people they want to receive cards.
And we all send to our own people.
I'm in charge of sending them,
but everyone has people they want them to go to, okay?
So we all are a part of it.
So I should feel comfortable.
I should feel that I can say to you,
"Hey, Bri, can you just stuff these for me?
"Because I got to get them out tomorrow."
Or I got to get them out on three days.
Like I wouldn't want to throw it to you the day before.
I need this done in the next five days.
Oh, thank you.
And I want to feel like you would say,
"Yes, I can do that, not a problem."
And that's it.
Because in that moan of that craziness,
that's what a woman needs.
She doesn't need, maybe we shouldn't do--
You know what, what about--
She doesn't need, maybe we shouldn't do cards.
Maybe it's too much.
We're in it.
Just say, "Yep, I got you.
"I got you.
"I got you."
Because it's not a huge inconvenience to you.
How do you know?
What if other things are going on?
And that's pushback.
No, that's just reality.
No, but it would take you 30 minutes.
Because she creates, she takes so much time
and there's a ton of things going on
to create all the things.
You could take 30 minutes just to do that one thing.
That's what I mean.
That's starting to create help with the balance.
I'm playing devil's advocate.
I don't think this is a big deal.
But I'm representing other men out there who maybe,
there has to be some boundaries at some point
on the magic that's getting created.
And I'm not questioning, this is not a personal thing.
I'm just saying in general, there's people out there
that go over the top, that go over the top.
Like the people down the road who do that display,
that's wonderful, right?
I've driven out of my way to go see it.
It's amazing.
They've got inflatables and like all types of, right?
You know what I'm talking about.
What if that was the only one of them that wanted to do it
and the other burdened the other one to do it?
That's a lot.
See, I think when there's something to that extent,
that extravagance, like when you see these homes
where people kind of go just to see that home
because it's such a big deal.
I think, honestly, I think it's either they both want that
or heated.
Yeah, 100%.
And we all know if he wanted it, it's gonna get done.
Yeah, that's right.
And I think what women want is that feeling
of if she is important to her,
that he has just as much passion about doing it,
what her thing, that he would--
That's an interesting concept though.
For his own.
When you say if he wanted it, it would get done.
But if she wanted it, he has to help.
Is that what you're saying?
No, no.
If--
Get on "Plain Devil's Advocate."
Yeah, yeah, no.
Well, because lights are a physical thing, right?
And especially those extravagance,
there's like getting on roofs and blowups and stuff.
Like the roof and all that, that's typically--
That's on the roof or not.
Men do that.
What I'm saying, I'm talking about houses
where there's lots of lights and all that.
That's a more outdoor physical.
Typically, men do that.
I'm just gonna say it.
So if you see a house that is that extravagant,
either they've hired someone or he wants that.
If he didn't,
she would either hire someone or it wouldn't happen.
I'm not saying there aren't women who get up on roofs
and houses and I know there are,
but in general, there aren't.
I'm sorry, it's just how it is, there aren't.
And she also has so much on her plate.
I don't think going up on a roof is gonna,
she's gonna add to it.
No, I'm sorry, dogs are in here, hold on.
No. Hey.
So, no, what I'm trying to say is,
so if he wanted something during the holidays,
it's gonna happen.
If a man wants something done during the holidays,
whether it's decoration, whether it's a food,
whether it's anything, going out to a restaurant,
going to a party, it's happening.
He's doing it.
Well, why can't the same be true for a woman?
Whatever that example might be.
Because typically,
I don't know if we're thinking on the same lines with this,
but because,
okay, so if she wants to go to a party and he doesn't,
then she's showing up to the party alone.
And if it's a party where there's couples,
that can be uncomfortable for a woman.
And then also it makes it look like her husband,
like he's-- What about men who wanna go
to a party and the woman doesn't wanna go?
Same thing. Yeah.
Yeah. But you're saying
he's gonna go, and that's because he's gonna do it, but--
If he wants to go to a party and she doesn't wanna go,
he'll still go, and maybe,
I don't know if he'll feel as uncomfortable as she would.
What I'm trying to say is,
if he wants to do something, he's going to do it.
But if she wants to do something,
and he's like lukewarm about it,
a lot of times he's gonna push back
instead of just doing the thing
because he knows it makes her happy.
Where I think women do a lot of things
that they don't wanna do,
but they don't make their partner happy,
so they're gonna still do it.
I think men are less inclined to lean into that.
Yeah, maybe. That makes sense.
Women are kinda used to being selfless.
And I'm not saying men aren't,
because men do many selfless things for their families.
So I'm not saying they don't.
But like I said, I think if there's certain issues
in a relationship throughout the year,
the holidays can really exacerbate the situation,
and you can end up with--
I would agree. Really bad arguments.
Yeah, I would agree.
Holidays, they're stressful.
As you talked about, a shit starts in August,
and it goes all the way through into New Year's,
into the first week of New Year's.
Would you say though that for a lot of men though,
the stress is just the energy
that they're dealing with with their wives?
That's their stress?
No, I think it's, I do think it's their wives.
It's the shopping and having to go and buy gifts and stuff,
and depending on how many gifts you have to get, right?
Those are all decisions.
Now I'm talking about from a male perspective,
because that's the woman taking care of all that.
No, men go buy gifts unless you're an asshole,
and you're gonna go buy your--
On Christmas Eve Day.
Christmas Eve Day.
So yeah, that's it. No, what are you talking about?
Christmas Eve Day buying gifts?
Or the day before Christmas Eve, they go and buy gifts.
No, that's not true.
A lot of men, I don't wait till that last day.
I'll go and pick up a couple things,
but I already know what I'm getting.
When I go towards the, my last purchases for me personally,
that you think are the last minute purchases
have already been planned out.
It's just, I don't have an opportunity to go shopping,
to go pick them up, right?
Okay, but so--
But other things are purchased over online, in advance.
Okay, but let's be real.
You bought for me.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, and I bought for every other--
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so when you're saying the stress of the shopping,
you're saying the stress of the shopping
for one person in your life.
Well, and then you go out with the kids
to get other stuff and get--
For me.
Yeah, either you or other them,
or like their siblings, that kind of stuff.
Which I do.
Yeah.
I do that.
So you had the stress of the shopping for your wife,
which is good, because as we talked about,
there's husbands that don't even do that.
Your stress is shopping for me,
and then having to go out to dinner on Christmas Eve,
and then the lights.
No, I think the whole thing is just stressful.
But no, I'm trying to pinpoint for you, for a man.
Oh, it's gotta be you.
(laughing) That is a source of stress.
Okay, so that's what I'm saying.
No, no, I think it's the--
So for a man, for a man, if his wife
is doing all the shopping for everyone,
including his family in a lot of situations,
all the planning, all the cooking, all the baking,
all the wrapping, all the cleaning,
all the reservation making, all the clothes shopping,
making sure all the kids have clothes for Christmas Eve,
all the things, right?
Yeah.
His job is shopping--
Just to pay for it all?
To be the outlet? But she may be too.
Wait, wait, his job, yes, to pay for it,
but she may also be paying for it
if she's working outside of the home.
So either they're both paying for it
or he is paying for it, yes.
But I'm talking about during that Christmas season, yeah,
paying for it, and then shopping for her,
hopefully he is, he should be.
Filling her stocking, he should be.
And showing up for Christmas Eve dinner to go out.
So those are two things, three things,
paying for it, shopping for her,
going out to dinner on Christmas Eve.
That's where the main stress for men come.
And that's why I think--
No, no, I think--
And then the energy off of their wives' stress.
I think it's the energy off their wives' stress
is gotta be the number one.
Exactly. 100%.
Okay, so-- 100%.
What I just talked about--
Well, you just tried that you had trapped me
or something here? No, no, I agree.
And what I've been talking about is,
let's alleviate that.
If they-- Are you shrinking?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If men could start seeing their wives
through the holiday season,
that stress level that you're feeling off for her,
I think it's worth a test.
That stress level that you're seeing off,
feeling off for her, it would come down.
I promise you that.
It would come down.
And so that in turn-- I don't agree.
Then the men don't feel as much stress.
No, no, no, because the words of, "How can I help?"
No, here's why I don't agree.
That looks cool, let me finish.
Taking moments, it doesn't have to be every day.
Or you know what?
Just how about a little back massage
without expecting anything afterwards?
What I'm trying to say is,
if men took a little bit of time
and sprinkled some attention to their wives
throughout the holiday season,
as their wives are running around crazy
to make the Christmas magic,
that stress energy they're feeling off for her
would alleviate significantly
because they know their partner has got their back.
And you may not agree with me,
but I'm telling you right now,
so much of the stress that women feel
is because they feel alone in it,
even when they're married or have a partner.
They feel like they're doing it all by themselves.
So if you take that away,
I'm telling you, you know what it is?
That's an interesting concept.
You know what it is?
Is women are in their freaking masculine
all of the holiday.
Put them in their feminine,
the most important time to put them in their feminine.
During the Christmas season.
Think about that.
Think about that, right?
You're saying from August to December,
that's four solid months, really five.
Five solid months, that's almost half--
That you have to show love?
No, no, no, half a year,
you're focused on these different holidays
instead of just living.
Instead of just living the day to day and enjoying things,
it's trying to create mystical magic
of these Hallmark holidays.
It's a lot.
And I think women, if your premise is accurate
and that women are the magic makers,
I don't totally agree, but I don't, whatever.
Maybe dial it back.
Women should dial it back a little bit
and it'll still be magical,
but it doesn't have to be over the top
where you're stressing yourselves out for five months.
But you need to be realistic in that
because we went through this.
We've raised children.
When you raise children, it's hard to dial it back
because children want to dress up for Halloween
and they might want, and if you're a millennial,
you may have to dress up now with them too.
And maybe there's a bunch, it's stuff that happens.
But think about that.
If Halloween's on a Friday, get your costumes Tuesday.
You don't need to be the month before.
That just shows you, you don't know.
There's no costumes on Tuesday.
Here's the thing, you're ignorant.
You are ignorant to this shit because you are, you are.
And I think most men are ignorant to this shit.
Go out as a football player or a cheerleader,
put a plastic bag on it, go as the glad man or something.
I'm not wanting to be serious.
You're crazy because you know what's so funny
is that our children knew exactly what they wanted to be
and we needed to get exactly those costumes
and that's how everyone is.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm down.
Like kids want to be Buzz Lightyear.
Okay, six weeks out, buy your Buzz Lightyear stuff,
order it online.
That's September.
But parents shouldn't be dressing up.
That's going on now.
That's an example though of stress you don't need.
But that's part of that generation once that
and if everyone's doing it and then maybe little Jimmy's
like, what are you gonna be mom?
What are you gonna be dad?
And I'm sorry.
I'm gonna be me.
I'm gonna go back to, well, no, there's things that,
yeah, there's Gen X dads have definitely done some things
that have been disappointing to their kids
because they won't do it.
But let me just ask you this.
You literally said you're not sure if women are the creators
of the magic of the holiday season.
How do you think it all, everything we've talked about,
who did it?
Me.
No, you didn't.
(both laughing)
No, you didn't.
I was the driving force that made it all happen.
The support arm, the strength, the wall you leaned on
when you needed it the most.
Now you're just being comedic.
No, I'm being serious.
You're bringing comedic relief to this episode.
We haven't even touched on the people that have to go.
We touched on a little bit,
but during the Christmas season that have to go
say with family members who maybe were the source
of their trauma and stuff.
I mean, I think that's a whole nother thing is think about--
I'm glad you came back to that.
Cause here, why go?
I think a lot of people are stopping.
Yeah, but stop.
I think--
No, I think that is something where the couple,
if they can agree, I think that that's,
there's a lot of no contact happening.
I think that there is an adjustment there.
But again, that has to be a couple thing because if,
or let's say in-laws aren't very nice to the son
or the daughter, well, that spouse has to be okay
not going there.
You know what I mean?
So it's a whole, that's a couple decision.
I just think that if you think about it,
when you're a kid, hopefully Christmas and the holidays
were magical.
If they weren't, that means your situation
wasn't great, right?
You didn't have a mom doing it, but yeah.
Whatever it is.
It's a mom.
But it was magical as kids, you hope.
Why turn it into a total stressful shit show as adults?
I get it.
You want to create the magic and everything,
but at the same time, there's got to be a balance.
That's all I'm saying.
There's got to be a balance.
There's no reason that over the holidays,
you should subject yourself to family
that causes you trauma and grief,
whether it's Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever.
If it all works out, it works out.
But if it doesn't, then it doesn't.
And maybe it's easier to be alone
than it is to go and subject yourself
to that kind of thing, right?
My overarching message, I guess, my point is
that holidays shouldn't be stressful.
It just shouldn't be.
But we all make them stressful
because of over-consumerism and trying to create magic.
And there's some balance in here.
I think we're too far as a society,
not us personally, we might be, I don't know.
But we're too far and it needs to come back a little bit.
I don't know where that is,
but I'll tell you, last thing I'll say on this.
One of the best things I thought about,
I found it enjoyable and I'd never done this before,
but watching the Midnight Mass from the Vatican.
It was pretty cool.
And I've never watched it before,
but to see the architecture of the Vatican
and with the other kids watching it,
we're all like, wow, that's really cool.
I think that was kind of cool.
So, okay, so what's interesting is
I think that's really cool
that you guys were all watching that.
But I just wanna bring some reality
of my situation into that.
And I think it's cool.
And I think that'd be a great new tradition to start.
I do, I really do think that's cool.
And I would love to start that tradition and add that.
Cause that's actually a chill thing to do.
You just sit and watch.
But do you know, did you observe?
And I'm not attacking you.
Yeah, you were putting out gifts
and doing the final arrangements and all that, yeah.
What I actually was doing,
because now Dylan helps put out gifts
and Kaya helps put out gifts.
So they were very helpful with that.
And I think that's a really hard two of our kids.
What I was doing at that time was stockings.
And that took a long time.
So while you and the kids were watching that,
which is great, I was going back and forth,
back and forth.
I was taking stockings to our room,
filling a stocking, bringing stuff out.
And we go big on stockings, we always have.
So there was a lot for each stocking.
So as you guys are sitting and talking about it
and all that, and it's, as you said, midnight, right?
I mean, I'm tired.
I don't know if it was midnight, but.
It was late, it was late.
Cause I think after that I went to bed
and it was like one o'clock or something.
It was late.
I was tired, I was fading.
So it was either get these stockings done now
or they're not happening.
So I spent that whole time doing stockings.
So I think that's an example, right?
Of everyone sitting relaxed.
I'm not talking about me personally,
but the family's relaxing and enjoying something.
It was magical.
Enjoying a magic, yeah, it was great.
I'm glad you put it on.
I'm saying, I love that.
But for next year, we're gonna tweak some things
because, especially now that I know
that could be a potential thing.
Get the stockings in like July.
That's a good idea.
But for next year, we are gonna tweak things
cause I wanna sit and watch.
And I don't wanna be putting stockings together
while you're all enjoying something
and I'm in the bedroom.
And that's what it was, that's what happened, right?
But I think that happens to so many moms
is they're doing a million behind the scenes things
so that the magic Christmas happens.
Stockings are part of the magic of Christmas.
But you need a dad who's distracting.
No, no, a dad who's like, who's okay.
I'm just kidding.
Now that you know that's a thing,
like you just said, do stockings in July,
but maybe you say at 10 o'clock,
where's the stockings, let's get them done,
I'll help you because then we can watch this, right?
That's huge.
It's gold, that's like saying, I love you.
That's the same as saying, I love you.
I'm telling you right now because it's thoughtful too.
I feel seen.
So yeah, so that's a small example of,
Midnight Mass was an amazing thing, beautiful watching it,
especially considering we went to mass, you didn't,
but we had gone to mass that day,
but it was cool to see that.
I'm not even into the religious aspect of it,
but just the whole ornate thing of it.
I know, but things need to be tweaked
and I'm gonna be 55 in March.
So I'm here, one of the reasons I wanted to do this episode
is because no one talked about this when I was growing up.
No one talked about this when I was in my 20s, 30s or 40s.
So I'm talking about it because I want,
as all things, like I talk about menopause,
I talk about perimenopause, I talk about marriage,
I talk about parenting.
I want the generations coming up behind us
to do better and evolve.
And I don't, I want the shared labor.
I want there to be shared labor.
I don't want all the labor to be on the wife,
the mother, the woman.
And again, I think the younger generations
are changing this, but it's only truly gonna happen
if Gen X talks about these things.
We have to keep talking about the broken parts of the system
because in so many areas, the woman is the scapegoat.
I don't want that for our daughter
and I don't want it for my granddaughter
and my great-granddaughter and my great-great-grand,
I want this changed.
And the holiday time is another example where
a lot of times the woman gets the short end of the stick.
Do you think that the women gets the short end of the stick
because the judges right now are the boomers
and maybe some silent gens,
whereas when our daughter rolls around and our kids are,
we're not gonna blame their wives.
If they don't do something,
we're gonna look at them as a couple
as opposed to blaming her.
And do you think that's a generational thing
that will just evolve out of?
Yeah, I think that's a really good point.
I hope so.
I think that it isn't just that our judges are boomers
and silent gen, but I think it's also the pressure
we put on ourselves because of the way we were raised.
Yeah, yeah.
So to your point, I don't think we have put
or will put the same type of pressure on our children
as they're hosting things.
Like our kids one day may say,
we wanna do Thanksgiving, one of our kids.
And I don't care what's going on.
We will show up and be like,
this is the most perfect Thanksgiving I've ever been to.
But we didn't grow up that way, right?
I mean, like Gen X didn't grow up that way.
We grew up thinking it needs to be right.
I wouldn't say that that's not my experience.
When I was a kid, I'd go to my grandmother's.
We'd all sit around the table in the room and it was--
She made it perfect.
Oh, she made it perfect, but it wasn't perfect.
Meaning it was just, it was what it's supposed to be.
It was the family's there, everybody's eating.
The food she got up at five in the morning to make.
Yeah, no, she didn't get up at the crack of dawn.
She created that.
But other people contributed.
But no, you're right, she did.
She made cookies three, four days out.
She's an example of what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, but my point is,
it wasn't necessarily perfect,
but it was everybody there to see everybody
once a year Thanksgiving.
You know what I mean?
It was more than just whatever it is today.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I understand what you're saying.
I hope that things change.
I do think there's two types of Gen X though.
There is the typogenics that has broken generational trauma
and the cycle and accepts their children for who they are
and supports them and is progressive in mind.
And then there's the typogenics of it was good enough for me,
it's good enough for them and they're perpetuating.
And those kids may go through the same type of pressures
and traumas that when it comes.
So it depends on which typogenics parents you have.
I think we're the over the top example.
And I think again, to your point,
you're saying you hope it works better
for future generations.
My thing would be to dial it in a little bit,
reel it in a little bit.
It's a lot, it's a lot that what it's evolved into.
It's not, it's not.
It's actually what's interesting.
It's not a lot.
And I think-
I think it's a lot.
I know, but I think what I'd like to do,
and this would be interesting,
we may do this and then do another holiday episode
around this time next year.
I think I'm gonna include you in certain things
like communicatively, like just so you know
this is what's going on right now
and get your feedback on, do you think that's a lot
or is that just normal and it just needs to be done?
It's just a normal thing and it, we just, it has to do.
What I mean by a lot is that it starts in August
and we're five minutes in here.
Not everybody.
No, society is, it's the society.
Oh, you mean like the stores of-
Society, the US culture right now,
as you go to any retail, not every,
but if you go to Home Depot, Walmart, Lowe's,
the grocery stores, Costco, the big retailers, right?
You're bombarded with this shit starting in August.
I don't wanna rehash it, but it is-
Hobby Lobby.
Hobby Lobby, all this stuff, it's the resets, retail resets.
So you're living in this mode, boom.
Next it's gonna be President's Day.
No, Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day.
They don't acknowledge President's Day,
but Valentine's Day.
Then we get, well, no, you do, you get MLK Day,
President's Day, Valentine's Day.
Not the stores.
No, not the stores, I'm telling you, I know.
What you have next, Valentine's.
4th of July, St. Patrick's Day,
all the whole of it, Easter, the whole thing, it's crazy.
Mother's Day, Father's Day, 4th, and now you're back.
Yeah, that's too much.
I get what you're saying.
I get what you're saying.
What I'm saying is, in my opinion,
and so we'll take this in a personal space,
our traditions, because remember,
I didn't even mention about when our children were young
and we would do the reindeer food on the lawn,
we would do the cookies and milk for Santa,
and we would do the carrots for the reindeer.
It's all those little nuanced things.
We put this magical key out for Santa.
It's a lot of little things, right?
But now our children are older.
So as, starting in August, I'm just gonna give you
a heads up, hey, I'm doing this, this week,
this is what I'm doing, and I'm gonna get your feedback.
I really do, I wanna see,
because I think you'll find that it all feels pretty normal.
And so when I truly say it's those little things
that can make all the difference for the mental health
of the mothers who make the magic of Christmas,
it is the little things.
It's that little, she's carrying 10 bags,
maybe take six of them off her back.
And I'm just, figuratively speaking,
just take some of the weight off sometimes,
and what a difference.
It can be so rejuvenating, and it's so not a lot to ask.
I think most women feel like it should be 50-50,
but we all know nothing's ever 50-50.
And there's things for men that it's not,
there's no 50-50 for women, right?
The women are not gonna do 50% of some things men do.
It's just not gonna happen for different reasons.
So sure, to listeners, if anyone's there screaming
at the radio or whatever, it should be 50-50.
Of course I agree with that.
That's rare, and if someone has that,
I think that's amazing.
So I'm going with a realistic expectation of,
how can I help you, or that looks really cool,
or that sounds good, or I love when you make that,
that's really good.
You make that so good, that type of thing.
Those little things, or can I stuff the cards for you?
Those little things is really what helps her
so she doesn't have a breakdown,
a week before Christmas.
Because I think the partner should want his wife
to enjoy her Christmas, because she puts so much work.
I would agree.
So I think part of his goal should be,
look, she's doing all these things for everyone.
I'm gonna make sure someone's got her, and that's me.
So I'm gonna make sure she's good.
It's really the only job he should worry about
is she's the fucking engine.
I'm gonna make sure it's well-oiled,
and she's got all the gas she needs.
I'm gonna keep it going.
That's my job.
I'm gonna water the plant.
That's the man's job.
Like, just make sure she's okay during that time.
I don't know why that's so much to ask.
So, but I know there are guys like that.
I know there are men that do that.
And I know there are men that do a lot
during the holidays. You're implying I'm not.
I'm speaking from personal experience in that situation,
but I think that, I think it's,
I think at least with Gen X, it's a lot of the norm.
I don't think this is an unusual situation
for our generation is my point.
I'm not saying, look at you, you don't do this,
and that's so weird.
I'm saying, I think this is a problem.
I think we need to talk about it in our generation,
and I think we need to be part of the solution
for future generations.
That's the point.
So, you know, and now we're here.
It's fascinating though, because,
and I don't wanna prolong this,
but you're saying that man should plant
or water the plant, right?
I'm saying that maybe don't grow so many plants.
But she's the plant.
Yeah, that's a bad analogy.
Yeah, you missed the mark on that one.
But listen, trust me, I know where you're--
Garden, let's say it's the garden.
Okay, that's why I think though, I will be curious.
I'm gonna keep you involved.
You're gonna be more involved next year
than you ever thought you'd be,
because I'm gonna let you know.
That's the other thing is you have the beauty of ignorance,
because you don't know half the shit I've done.
I know it all.
And then you walk in and you're like,
I don't get why you're so stressed out.
It'll all get done. Well, I do, I do.
Okay, but again, I think there's so many women
that go through this.
Well, here's one last thing I'll say.
Because this is where I thought you were going earlier.
You're gonna involve me in August with decisions.
And I'm gonna make decisions that are completely contradictory
to me saying, keep things simple.
What do you mean?
Like where it's Christmas Eve and I'm like,
did we get them enough?
That kind of thing. Yeah.
So I get it.
I know, but I think also that
it makes it more of a partnership.
It could be something as simple as in August,
I may be like, I'm gonna pick up a bag of candy
for Halloween this week.
I'm doing it in July.
(laughing)
It'll be an all-star.
Let's start now.
Actually, I was thinking about picking up one gift per kid
every month of this year for Christmas.
So four gifts, because we have our older son's girlfriend,
four gifts a month between now and Christmas.
So by the time we hit Black Friday,
I already have most of it done.
And I, like economically, obviously it's not as big of a hit,
but also--
Oh, it is, it's just a hit.
Spread out. Yeah.
Well, I'm not saying big gifts,
but it could be small things.
But also if I do that, I could order wrapping paper in July
and start wrapping.
You should do that.
I'll help you pick out the wrapping paper.
I'm serious. Yeah, but what if?
And then wrap in August.
What if their interests change
by the time Christmas comes around
and you've missed the mark, magic is fucked.
Well, I think-- Magic is out the window.
When you have older children
and you know them pretty well,
especially ones who are in their own apartments,
you're pretty safe.
It's the 15-year-old that we may have to wait
because they, yeah, that one could be like in September,
he wants totally different everything.
But I think for our older ones,
especially for the apartment,
I think we can buy some things and be, you know,
I'm gonna try that this year
and I'm gonna start involving you in it.
I can't wait.
And then we'll do another episode this time next year
and reflect on, as a Gen X woman,
tried to get her husband more involved
in the magic of Christmas,
how did things change? It's just so not fair.
I'm the magic maker.
Yeah, okay.
Anyways, so again, I wanted to do this episode,
I think it's timely, but I want--
For shit on men.
No, it's not to shit on men, it's to change the norm.
Now, and it's to help women feel seen.
There's a lot of women who didn't get a Christmas gift
from their husband. That's terrible, yeah.
I can't stress that.
And had an empty stocking. That can't.
That's crazy.
Okay, so there's a lot of women being treated that way
and they work their asses off for everyone.
So I just also want women to feel seen,
like I see you girls.
So that's our little holiday.
Oh, and I have one little tip and then I'll close out.
When our kids were young for New Year's Eve,
now this is old school, but I would create,
I would get paper lunch sacks
and I would write times on them,
like 6 p.m., 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and midnight.
And I would fill them with things.
And at the beginning of every hour,
they would get their sack.
So let's say 6 o'clock I put in like Play-Doh,
markers, stickers, whatever.
And I did, I think actually 6 o'clock
I did one of those disposable cameras
and they would take pictures throughout the night
with their disposable camera.
I know it's now with their phones,
but honestly, disposable cameras
kind of have a little novelty to them.
But I would fill the bags with different things.
And so they had a new things to play with,
do every hour of New Year's Eve night.
And it kept them entertained
and they looked forward to it, special treats, whatever.
And then I thought at midnight
I had the silly string and poppers and stuff.
So for anybody with young children
that is looking for a new idea or something,
that was always a hit.
If they were with cousins,
I did the bags for the cousins too.
Any kids that were there,
I did bags for everyone, friends.
So that's my little New Year's Eve.
That's women making magic.
Exactly, that's more of the magic.
I kept making New Year's Eve.
I don't have to do that now until we have grandchildren.
But this New Year's Eve will just be chilling
and I'm looking forward to it as I'm chilling this week.
For all the moms, if you're watching this on YouTube,
I am in pajamas, they're clean pajamas.
But I'm in pajamas all week.
I am steeping in my Christmas magic
and enjoying every minute of it.
And we thank you for joining us as always.
And we welcome all comments, all questions.
And we will be returning at the beginning of the year
with tons of guests.
We have so many great guests coming up
and we will be back at it.
We do have a special episode coming up on Gut Health.
Yep, yep.
We'll start off the New Year.
That's gonna be a series.
We're gonna have with Dr. Pat Lynch, the first one,
probably it'll drop in the next week or two.
And I think once a month,
we're gonna do a Gut Health episode with him,
go real deep into that.
So look for that as an addition to a whole bunch of guests.
And we again, wish you all happy holidays.
And especially to all those moms out there,
we hope that you had a wonderful, wonderful Christmas
and you're enjoying hopefully some quiet time
before the New Year starts.
And we will see you next time.
Bye.
(upbeat music)